


Dangerous Discoveries

by Silverock



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Smut, So sweet you'll need a dentist, Sobriety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-26 10:06:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18179213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverock/pseuds/Silverock
Summary: Tonight I made a dangerous discovery, one I’m afraid there’s no coming back from. Tonight I discovered that my best friend and business partner, my Brian and my Katya, doesn’t only enjoy my kisses; they have a power over him.Or - The one with red silk and red beating hearts





	1. Shut up

**Author's Note:**

> The POVs will shift halfway through the story, but for the first half all chapters are Brian Firkus' POV

**Brian Firkus’ POV**

Tonight I made a dangerous discovery, one I’m afraid there’s no coming back from. Tonight I discovered that my best friend and business partner, my Brian and my Katya, doesn’t only enjoy my kisses; they have a power over him.

Brian and I have an undeniable chemistry that reverberates through everything we do together – be it our web series, on stage performances, or even just when we’re together with our friends having a night in. This chemistry exists between Brian and Brian just as much as it does with Trixie and Katya, and I can’t help but understand perfectly why crowds love us together so much. We complete each other. The love we share for one another naturally radiates from us outwards. The only issue is, at times I worry the love I have for Brian radiates too brightly, enough for him to understand that I developed feelings for him that run deeper than the ones he has for me.

While it is undeniable that he wants to fuck me, in the same way he wants to fuck most living beings with dicks and assholes, I know Brian is a lone wolf. He can be surrounded by friends and people he loves, but he will always be his own man, and the man that he is would never be able to love someone like me. I know he loves me deeply as his best friend, and respects me as his business partner, but Brian’s opinions on relationships and love are different than mine in a way that would never allow him to see me in the way I see him. I see him as my past, present and future. I see him as not only my best friend, but also my soulmate, and the person who knows me better than anyone else ever will, sometimes even better than I seem to know myself.

The discovery I made tonight was dangerous, because I fear that this power I seem to have over Brian will cause me to be less cautious than I have been in expressing my feelings too blatantly. I don’t know why my kiss has this type of power over my best friend, but I sure as hell am going to slowly pave the way to finding out what else it can do.

If there is anything in this world I enjoy more than performing, it’s performing with my best friend. Tonight we were performing a regular gig with a few more queens, and decided to perform one song together last minute. The crowd loves seeing us together, and we love sharing a stage, so it fit perfectly. Once we finished our makeup, and Brian shouted his regular “She’s a woman!”, we practiced the routine we know so well to Waterloo. The words of the song mean more to me than Brian will probably ever know, and every time he points at me when the lyrics are _‘knowing my fate is to be with you’_ my heart skips a beat. I know absolutely and without a doubt that my fate is to be with him, I just wish he knew it too, and that he felt the same. Sometimes something flashes in his eyes when he looks at me that makes me believe for a second that my feelings are reciprocated, but every time I have to remind myself Brian belongs to himself only.

After we finished practicing, Brian got his typical pre-show nerves. Ever since he came back from rehab, he becomes a bit nervous before getting on stage or before we start filming our show. Sometimes it’s more prominent than others, and tonight the nerves manifested in the form of a long ramble about Julia Roberts or something of the sort. I ignored it of course as I made final touches on my make-up, but even as I finished Brian was still pacing around the room going on and on with what sounds like a review of her entire filmography.

“Katya,” I said, trying to get his attention because I needed him to tell me what he thinks of my final look. He kept rambling, though, walking around the room. “Kats,” I said louder, taking hold of his hands and stopping him in his tracks. He just looked at me for a second and then continued talking.

“Do you think I should get that outfit she had in Pretty Woman? Can I pull that off without my dick showing?” He asked, and continued with a series of other questions, not even giving me a chance to reply.

“Oh my god, Brian!” I yelled, and then something came over me and before I knew it, I was grabbing his painted face and pressing my lips to his. His lips were softer than I remembered, and he pressed them against mine almost immediately, instinctively. However, I soon realized what I had done and I opened my eyes and stepped back, sadly detaching from him.

“What was that for?” Brian asked, seeming flustered.

“So you would finally shut up!”

“Pretty effective.” He said, looking me dead in the eye. And that’s when it dawned on me, the power of my kiss. This was one risky bit of information he was giving me, and that is how I found myself where I am now, lying in my bed and reliving that short but sweet kiss. After that kiss, his rambling stopped, he answered my question, telling me that I look beautiful, and I went on stage. During our number I kept catching him glancing at me, more than he typically does, as if still confused by my actions.

All I can think about now is that if one kiss can get this crazy person who can’t ever seem to keep quiet, to shut his rambling trap, what else can it do? And why does it have that effect on him? These questions run in my mind as I slowly drift to sleep, dreaming about Brian and a kiss not nearly as brief as the one we shared tonight.


	2. Just say yes

We finish filming a particularly funny episode of UNHhhh and I’m so fucking happy. Brian kept laughing and touching me during filming so I kept trying to make him laugh, because it’s my absolute favorite sound in the world. It might seem odd to an outsider that the wheezy sound of his laughter would appeal to anyone, but when you love someone, seeing them happy and everything accompanied to that experience, becomes magical to you. I know I should be more careful with the amount of times I look his way, or how obvious I make it that all I want is for him to laugh again, but I can’t bring myself to be that cautious. As we de-drag in the dressing room I realize that I’m not ready to part from Brian yet, that I have to spend more time with him.

“Come vintage shopping with me.” I say to him as I pull on my jeans.   

“Now?” Brian asks, widening his eyes. It was getting kind of late, already five o’clock in the evening, and we’ve been filming for a few hours now, but I just can’t say goodbye to him yet.

“Yeah, come on, it’ll be fun and I’ll drive you home after.” I smile at him, hoping to convince him.

“I’m just really tired Bri, how about we go tomorrow?”

“No, it has to be today, I’m in the studio all day tomorrow. Please?” I ask him and take his hands in mine, hoping my puppy dog eyes would make him give in.

“What do I get in return?” He asks, raising his eyebrow.

Before I can even catch myself, I answer “A kiss.”

“Two kisses.” He says, as if posing a challenge. It’s one I am more than happy to take upon myself. And now, I know my kisses can not only shut him up, they can also convince him to go along with my plans. I wonder what else they can do…

“Deal.” I answer, and pull on his hands that are still in mine, bringing him close to me.

“Only one now, I’m saving the other for later.” He whispers against my lips right before I kiss him, and I nod. Then our lips come together again, just like they did a few days ago, only now there’s no lipstick involved. This kiss is all Brian and Brian, perfectly us, and his lips feels warm on mine. I breathe him in, smelling the delicate scent of his cologne and the faint smell of cigarettes, a combination I have grown surprisingly fond of. I linger with the kiss, letting Brian decide when to break our lips apart, and he seems content to have them attached for a few seconds more before eventually tearing himself away.

I stare into his blue eyes and clear my throat before speaking, trying to look unfazed even though he literally took my breath away just now. “Let’s go.” I say, smiling at him and leading us outside with one hand still holding his.

We get into my car and drive in comfortable silence. The sun is setting and when I stop at a red light, I glance at Brian and see he’s looking at me already, with the sunset lighting up his face in the most beautiful way. I smile at him and he smiles back, reaching to take my hand in his and giving it a squeeze. I smile even more at that, and turn my head back to the road when the light changes, hoping Brian wouldn’t notice I’m blushing slightly. Sometimes when he does things like this it becomes a bit much for me, because I never know how to react. One day, he could spend our entire time together barely even glancing my way, too concentrated on the movie we’re watching or on his phone. The next day, he could be holding my hand, kissing my cheek just because, or even insisting that I stay over so we could cuddle in bed together. I know him to be a very physical person, and I try to remind myself of that, but at times it’s hard not to wonder maybe he does share my feelings. I really fucking hope he does, because if I keep exploring the power my kisses have over him, it might become too difficult to conceal my intentions.

We reach the store and I park, sadly detangling my fingers from Brian’s, and we both leave the car. The shop is designed beautifully, with rows and rows of clothing in all colors and sizes, as well as accessories and jewelry. Brian is usually very hyperactive in places like this, not standing still for even a minute and running between the rows of racks and hangers. Today, however, he takes my hand again as soon as we walk into the store and walks quietly with me as I meticulously inspect a rack that is full of pink dresses. I try to calm my beating heart and focus on the clothes, but I’m sure my cheeks are a much rosier color than normally.

“Oh, wait!” Brian suddenly says, letting go of my hand and running to the back of the store. When he comes running back I see a gorgeous baby pink trench coat in his hands. “Mama, this was made for you.” He says, holding up the coat so I could see it in all its glory. I love how well he knows me.

“Oh my god, I need this in my life urgently.” I say, taking the coat from him and he smiles, happy to have found something I like.

We continue to explore the store and Brian even finds some things for Katya, so we both make our way to the changing stalls. I open the curtain and step inside, and when I turn to close it, I realize Brian walked in with me. My eyes widen and I don’t really know what to say, because this is a pretty small room and I’m soon going to be stripping to just my underwear. Brian seems to notice my surprise and he laughs.

“You do know I’ve seen you naked before, right?” He asks with a smile.

“Oh, fuck off.” I laugh and give him a light shove.

“Fine, I’ll turn around you prude.”

“Thank you.” I smile at him, and fuck but I really need to get over this whole blushing thing because it might get me in trouble soon.

As Brian slowly strips off his shirt and pants, I can’t help but admire his body. His arms and back are more muscular than ever, and the tattoos he now has only make him look manlier to me. They’re beautiful, albeit somewhat crazy, art pieces, and they make the art piece that this body is all the more stunning. I let my eyes roam down from his shoulders, to his back and then to his boxer clad rare side and I audibly gulp because his ass is firm and round and affirms all the reasons why I became a vers after years of bottoming.

I quickly shake my head and try not to let any dirty thoughts invade my mind, because this room is small and I am in no need of a boner at this moment.  We both try on the outfits we picked out, modelling them for each other and occasionally taking a selfie when we look particularly crazy wearing women’s clothes with no makeup or wig on. I can’t help but think about how much I love spending time with Brian, and how he’s the person who makes me laugh harder than anyone else in my life. Despite all our differences, we have so much more in common than people may think, and our sense of humor is a major one of those similarities. He’s the craziest person I know, and it brings such a welcome unpredictability to my life that no one but him could provide. Everything he does is magical to me, and when he smiles as if he won a trophy just because he had made me laugh, my heart is filled with warmth that is reserved only for this man. Beyond everything, and all the feelings I have for him, he’s my best friend, and I am eternally grateful.

Once we finish trying on all the clothes we picked out and decide which ones to get, we head to the register and pay. The old cashier makes a comment on what a lovely couple we make and we both look at each other laughing, but neither of us bothers to correct her. When we get to the car, I suddenly recall that Brian has another kiss reserved, and I’m guessing it’s coming up soon because I’m going to drop him off at his house. My fingers start tingling and my palms get a tad sweaty at the thought, so I tighten my grip on the steering wheel. I need to calm myself down. Kissing Brian is incredible, but also incredibly dangerous, because with each kiss I fall more deeply in love with him, and with each kiss I become less capable of hiding that fact.

When we reach Brian’s house the silence that was previously comfortable becomes a little less bearable. I convince myself to be brave and turn my head to look at him, and see that he was already staring at me.

“I want my second kiss now.” He says quietly, and goosebumps rise on my skin. I can’t bring myself to say anything, so all I do is nod, but I’m frozen in place. “I’d say I don’t bite but…” Brian says with a smile after noticing I wasn’t moving, and I laugh at his stupidity, moving closer and taking his chin in my hand. I look him in the eyes as our lips inch closer together, and when his eyes flicker down to my lips I kiss him. I kiss him long, and hard, my eyes tightly shut. My lips press firmly against his, and I wish I was brave enough to let my tongue sneak out. I wonder if he would open his mouth for me if I did it. But, I’m not brave, and I don’t trust myself to be able to kiss him the way I want to without confessing what’ in my heart. So I keep my tongue to myself, and let myself enjoy the feeling of his tender lips. This kiss is longer than the one we shared this morning, and I really wish he was touching me because I need to feel him everywhere. His scent envelopes me and I force myself to hold down the moan that’s threatening to escape my lips. Unfortunately, we both becomes breathless and we simultaneously break the kiss, leaning our foreheads against each other’s.

“Thank you for coming with me.” I say quietly, staring at Brian’s slightly swollen lips. I want to kiss them again.

“Always.” Brian answers, and I wonder maybe he means that he would have gone with me regardless of the kiss. I hope so. I hope he was looking for an excuse to kiss me just as much as I was. But I can’t let myself believe everything I want…

He kisses my forehead then and exists the car, leaving me to stare at his retreating form as I desperately try to collect myself. Was I the one with powerful kisses or was he?  


	3. Calm down

I sit comfortably on Brian’s couch, watching the stand-up comedy show we had put on, while he frantically moves about his apartment trying to find this thing or the next. He’s leaving tomorrow noon for a week of performances and some appearances in New York, and I can tell he’s stressed out. Ever since he came back from rehab, there’s something uneasy that rises in him before every single time he gets into drag. I’ve learnt to be patient, and let him get out all the words he has in him. I wish so badly that he would talk to me more openly about it, but I know that with Brian it’s best to give him time, and he’ll eventually tell me all there is to know. That’s another one of the things that made me fall in love with my best friend. He never keeps anything from me, lets me stare deeply into his tormented soul, but he always waits until he finds the perfect words to describe his feelings. He once told me that he always wants to be one hundred percent honest with me, and that it may take him time to formulate his thoughts in such an honest way, so I just have to trust him that eventually I’ll know everything there is to know. And I do trust him. A big part of me hopes he’s currently working on formulating three words I’m dying to hear come out of his mouth, not in the friendly way he says it almost every day, but in the way I mean it when I say those words to him.

“Bri, calm down and come watch the show.” I yell out, because I really want to have a full night of cuddling with him before not seeing him for a week. “Brian?” I call out again when he doesn’t show up after a minute or so. When he still doesn’t respond I look around and see he’s nowhere to be found. I get up and walk over to his bedroom, and the sight that greets me breaks my heart.

Brian is standing in front of the door, as if he wanted to walk out but couldn’t, and he’s barely managing to breathe. He’s having a panic attack. His eyes are wide and his fists are clenched at his side and I run the rest of the way until I reach him. We’ve done this before, and I know the drill far too well.

“Brian, look at me.” I say, taking hold of his hands and forcing his fists open. I can hear his labored shallow breaths, and I wish I could take all his pain away. “I need you to breathe baby, can you do that for me?” He doesn’t respond, and I see he’s trying his hardest to take deeper breaths, but he’s not managing. His beautiful blue eyes start filling up with tears and he looks so young and vulnerable that I just want to envelope him in my arms, but we’ve done this enough time for me to know that I need to gradually introduce physical contact, not to rush him. “Don’t cry baby, I’m right here with you, breathe like me.” I say, and start taking deep breaths, in and out, as slowly as I can. It’s working, but only barely, and I can hear every time Brian is trying to inhale but the breath stops somewhere in his throat. I then decide that more contact is necessary, and I take both of his hands and slide them under my shirt to my chest, so he could feel the rise and fall of my breaths and try to mimic them. His palms are sweaty, and I know he can also feel my racing heartbeat at his mere touch on my skin, but I hope he can concentrate just on breathing. “Do you feel that baby? Breathe like me.” I say, as I continue to take big breaths. Tears are now streaming down Brian’s face, and I lift my hands to wipe them away before I start crying too. I need to stay strong for him.

Slowly, as we stand there together, Brian’s breaths become deeper, and farther apart, and I can see him starting to relax. A thought comes over me, and I feel that this is as good a time as any to try and see if there are other ways to calm him down from his panic attack. I really hope this works, I hope to the god I don’t believe in that I have the power to bring some calm into this angel’s life.

“Give me a kiss.” I say, wanting Brian to move from his frozen state, and not wanting to intrude on his personal space in case that would make the panic rise again. He steps closer and closes his eyes, pecking my lips gently and pulling away. He swallows and I can tell his breaths are almost back to normal. “Another one.” I say, and this time he opens his eyes and gives me a longer kiss, pressing his lips more firmly against me. “And one last kiss.” I say, and Brian smiles, which is pretty much all I want to see him do for the rest of our lives, and he gives me the sweetest kiss of all three. I can feel in it how relieved he is, how calm he is, and this is the most beautiful discovery I have made about my kisses so far. We breathe each other in as our lips stay connected, and I hope Brian’s throat is clear enough now that he can smell I’m wearing the cologne he bought me.

He pulls away from the kiss slowly and rests his head on my shoulder, his palms still flat on my bare chest. I finally allow myself to touch him more fully, and wrap my arms around his waist to bring him closer to me. “I’ve got you baby, you’re good now.” I whisper in his ear, not wanting to break the peacefulness. He sighs and brings his arms to wrap around me as well, still under my shirt. His touch is setting me on fire, but I quiet it down because my best friend is my priority and this is about him only. After standing in the middle of his bedroom like this for what feels like hours, Brian finally speaks up.

“Stay with me, okay?” He asks quietly, and I smile. It was quite obvious I would have spent the night anyways, because that’s what we usually do, but we never plan it beforehand. Typically, we watch movies or talk until it’s too late at night for us to be able to let the other one drive back with good conscience. Sharing a bed or even a couch with Brian is one of my favorite things to do, and I am all the more grateful to be able to do it tonight.

“Of course.” I answer, and we break the embrace and walk together silently to the bathroom. We brush our teeth side by side, and I smile as I see our reflection in the mirror, Brian with his crazy toothbrush in all colors of the rainbow and me with the pink one he bought for me to have whenever I sleep over. Once we finish, we walk back into the bedroom and quietly strip off our shirts and pants, climbing into the cool sheets, each on the side we have long ago declared as ours. This is another area where we fit perfectly together.

As much as I want to wrap myself around Brian and hold him tightly to me, I want to give him his space to decide what he’s feeling up for. I know him well enough to see he’s still a bit rattled from his anxiety attack. I turn over to my side and hope Brian decides to touch me in some way, because I’m also a little rattled, I absolutely hate seeing him the way I did tonight. Ever the most incredible human being on this earth, Brian shuts off the lights and immediately finds me in the darkness. He slides his leg between mine and wraps his arm around my mid-section. I smile and take his hand in mine, intertwining our fingers and holding our hands to my heart.

“Thank you.” Brian whispers, and kisses the back of my head.

“We’re in this together.” I answer, and bring our hands to my mouth so I could kiss his fingers. When I bring our hands back down Brian uses them to press me even closer to him, and I relish in the joy of feeling his strong arms around me, his warm chest to my back, and his steady breaths in my ear. I feel safe, and loved, and I wish this night would never end.


	4. Happier

I wake up the next morning to one of my favorite feelings in the world, the warm embrace of Brian and his scent all around me. The alarm he set is ringing and as always it does nothing to even stir him.

“Brian.” I say, hating that we have to wake up but not wanting him to be late for his flight.

“Hmm?” He answers back groggily, not even noticing the alarm.

“Your flight, we gotta get up.”

“Five more minutes mom.” He says, and squeezes me closer to him with our hands that have stayed securely together the whole night. I wish we could stay this way forever, not just for five more minutes, but the sound of the alarm is annoying me and Brian gets ready too slowly for me to allow him more time in bed.

“Come on, I’ll take you to the airport if you get up now.” I say, even though I obviously planned to take him to the airport regardless.

“Okay, okay.” He finally agrees, and before he lets go of my hand to get up, he kisses my shoulder tenderly. I blush and smile, and I’m thankful that I have my back to him.

When he gets up and turns off the alarm I wait until I hear the sound of the bathroom door click shut to turn over to lie on my back. I miss his touch already, and I’m dreading this week we’re going to be apart. Although we’re used to spending much longer periods of time without one another, this time feels different. We have admittedly never been as close as we are now, and my heart keeps telling me this is a crucial time in our friendship.

As I hear the water starting to run, I imagine Brian’s naked body stepping under the stream and washing away the remaining panic from last night. I hope one day I’d be able to step into the shower with him, kiss him under the running water, and see if we can steam up the place even more. I know I shouldn’t be having these types of thoughts about my best friend, but I can’t help them. Falling in love with Brian meant falling in love with everything about him, body and soul.

I turn over to my stomach and lay my head on his pillow, overjoyed by the smell of it. It smells like his shampoo, coconut and vanilla, the scent that has made me addicted to kissing his head right after he comes out of the shower. Soon enough the water is shut and Brian emerges from the bathroom clad only in his boxers. He’s a sight for sore eyes, and I’m really glad I’m on my stomach so I can press down against the mattress to calm my hardening dick. He smiles when he sees me looking, in a way that is only a little bit smug, but mostly affectionate. I smile back as he comes to kneel beside the bed, and when he lightly strokes my back I let my eyes flutter shut, focusing on the feeling of his fingers on me.

“Get some more sleep, I’ll wake you up when I’m ready to go.”  He says quietly. I nod, but then feel like I have to do my ritual.

“Come here.” I say and open my eyes, and Brian already knows what to do so he leans closer to me and slightly bends his head. I lean up on my elbows and kiss the top of his head, breathing in the smell of his slightly wet hair. There’s barely any of it left, but I’m so glad he still bothers to shampoo it anyway. I then let my head fall back to the pillow and close my eyes with a content smile.

After what I assume is about twenty minutes, Brian wakes me up with a kiss on my forehead and I get up and get dressed. As we drive to the airport, I notice Brian is gradually getting more and more nervous, because he’s awfully quiet and staring solemnly out the window. I want to reach out to hold his hand, but his hands are folded protectively around himself and I know something’s wrong. He probably expects me to just drop him off, but instead I take my car to the airport’s parking lot and park my car there. Brian looks at me with surprise but I simply say nothing as I exit the car and grab his big suitcase from the trunk. I roll it behind me as we walk quietly together to the entrance, and I can feel Brian sneaking occasional glances at me, but I want us to check in his bags and make sure everything is in order before discussing whatever is on his mind.

After we check in the luggage and Brian gets his boarding pass, I take his hand and guide him silently to an area I know to be secluded. Being increasingly more recognizable in public places means it’s crucial to know which spots are more private in places you frequent often. And god knows I frequent the airport far more than I ever thought I would.

When we reach my private spot I lean against the wall and spread my legs so Brian could step between them, which he does immediately. We work together without words, effortlessly. I take both his hands in mine and look at him silently for a second, just staring into his stunning blue eyes. I wish I could do a better job at hiding how infatuated I am with this man, but I really can’t.

“What are you thinking about?” I ask him.

“Last night. My panic attack.” Brian answers, looking down sadly. I know how upset he is that he still needs to deal with these anxiety episodes, and I wish there was something I could do to just take them away from him.

“Are you ready to tell me what it was about?” I ask tentatively, searching for his eyes. He lifts his head and takes a deep breath before starting to talk again.

“Ever since I came back, I get nervous every single time before getting into drag.” I know this already. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes, and I wish I never have to witness the insecurity rise in him ever again. “It’s just that I feel like I don’t know if people still like what I do, I don’t know how much what happened changed me, and how much it changed the perception of me. I feel like I don’t know if I’m sexy anymore, if I’m funny anymore…” I’m a little shocked to hear Brian say that, because to me he’s the hottest person alive and the funniest man I’ve ever met. But I’m in love with him, and sadly Brian isn’t in love with himself. I wish he were. “I just get so fucking nervous every time, even to the point of having attacks like last night, and then I get sad because I hate feeling this way, I hate being so insecure.” It kills me to hear the pain Brian is in, but I’m so grateful that he shares with me, and that he’s willing to let me in and help.

“Babe,” I start, and hope that by now he’s gotten used to me using these terms of endearment with him, so he won’t read too much into it. “I’m telling you as your best friend, and as your business partner, that people absolutely love you. You know already that you’re my favorite drag queen there is, and that hasn’t changed since you came back, it only multiplied. You’re so much more open now about your struggles, and you laugh about them, and even at sixty-five years old you manage to do splits, which is very hot and impressive.” I finish jokingly, wanting to lighten the mood because I can see the wheels constantly turning in Brian’s head. He laughs a little, and I feel like I won a goddamned trophy.

“I try to tell myself these things, but I still get so fucking nervous Bri.” He says, and I can hear the frustration in his voice. If only he could see himself through my eyes, and the eyes of all his fans around the world.

“What calms you down?” I ask, because I really want us to be able to come up with something helpful before he boards his flight. He tilts his head and looks at me as if I asked the stupidest questions on earth. “Besides drugs and alcohol.” I clarify, mentally smacking myself for phrasing the question in such a dumb way.

“You.” He answers simply, and I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. He smiles so sweetly when he sees the effect his one word had on me, and my heart surely skips a beat or two at the sight.

“Well, then first of all, you’re going to text or call me every time you feel anxious and we’ll work through it together. I told you, Brian, I’m in this with you and we’ll talk about it a hundred more times until you’ve realized how amazing you are and how there’s nothing to be nervous about. And every time you get sad about this, I have something that if you remind yourself of, is bound to make you instantly happy.” I say, and fuck but I hope I’m right about this.

“And what’s that?”

“That your best friend is the best kisser in the world.” I answer, and tug on his hands so there’ll be barely an inch between us. I look at his eyes for final approval, and when I see his eyes flicker to my lips and his breath get heavier, I close the distance between us and press my lips against him. The softness of his lips is becoming a wonderfully familiar sensation, and as I realize that we won’t be seeing each other for at least a week, I decide to push my luck and see if he’s willing to let me kiss him the way I want. I straighten my back and detach it from the wall, so now I’m pressed against Brian pretty much from lips to toe. I release one of my hands from his and bring it to his cheek, as I let my tongue touch his closed lips, begging for entrance. Brian opens his mouth without hesitation, and tilts his head to give me better access. I slide my tongue into his mouth and I enter a world that is all Brian, warm mouth and silky-smooth tongue playing leisurely with mine. He uses the hand I released to fist the fabric of my shirt and I hold back a moan, not wanting to break the spell of this breathtaking kiss. Our lips slide against each other’s slowly, as if there’s nowhere to go to, and my ears are ringing from the joy that bubbles inside me. As I feel myself starting to get too breathless, I try to savor the last moments, knowing I would have to tear our lips apart soon. I press my lips to Brian’s a final time and then part from him, leaning my forehead against his as I catch my breath and catalogue every second of our kiss in my brain.

“That is a happy thought.” Brian says, and I laugh with absolute joy, because if a kiss from me can make Brian McCook happy then there’s nothing much else I could ask for in this world.  We silently decide to part there, in the spot that was previously mine, but now is absolutely ours.


	5. The call

After a full day of recording music at the studio I get settled into bed, letting the thick blanket lie heavily on my naked body and soothe me. I reach over to my phone and decide to text Brian, seeing as we haven’t spoken much today and I miss his voice. He’s been in New York for five days now, and has stayed more in touch than ever, texting me whenever he woke up and sending me stupid pictures throughout the day. Two nights ago we spent hours on the phone, laughing and talking about the most obscene things, and then he wished me goodnight with the sweetest voice I’ve ever heard leave his delicate lips. I hope he wants to talk again tonight, and that he’ll indulge me with another one of those goodnights.

 **Me:**  
_You up?_

It’s about 2am in New York right now, but I know Brian well enough to know there’s no chance he’s sleeping. As expected, that’s exactly what he replies. The nickname Brian gave himself four years ago when he put his number on my phone flashes on the screen and I smile at the memory. My ex boyfriends were not very fond of that nickname, but they’re all long gone, and Brian is thankfully here to stay.

**My Russian Lover:  
** _Tracy, you know better than to ask that_

**Me:**  
_Let me rephrase: Are you masturbating or is it safe to call?_

 **My Russian Lover:**  
_Why not both? You’d be of great service._

I blush immediately when I read that, and my cock reminds me of its existence by twitching and brushing against the warm sheets. I calm myself with a hand pressed down on my stomach and text back.

 **Me:**  
_Sorry babe, I don’t think you can afford my phone services…_

 **My Russian Lover:**  
_You underestimate how much I’d be willing to invest in that…  
But actually I was just about to call, I need to talk to you_

I gulp when I see both his messages, for different reasons, but I have no time to process because Brian’s image flashes on my screen. It’s a picture of his I took about a month ago, lying on top of my covers, fast asleep in broad daylight. I remember that day vividly. He had come over to help me redecorate my living room, but as soon as I wasn’t paying attention he slipped into my bedroom and threw himself on the bed. By the time I realized he was gone, Brian was already in deep slumber, and I figured he must have been up all night, something that happens to him far too frequently. He seemed so peaceful and content in the middle of my large bed, holding my pillow tightly to him, that I couldn’t help but snap a picture. He was asleep for hours, and when he woke up he told me it was the best sleep he had gotten in weeks, and hugged me to him as if I was the one responsible for it.

“Hi.” I answer the phone, hoping he didn’t catch the way my breath was a little labored.

“Hey B, how are you?” Brian asks quietly, and my mind zooms in on the sound of his voice, so soft in my ear.  

“Exhausted, but happy. How about you? What did you want to talk about?” I brace myself for his answer, because with Brian it could be absolutely everything.

“Right, umm… You told me to call. I mean, you told me to call when it gets bad and… It got pretty bad tonight.” He says this so quietly it’s almost a whisper, and I can hear his throat closing up on him.

“Tell me everything baby.” Brian once told me he loves when I call him baby, that it makes him feel loved. I make sure to use that term sparsely, on occasions when it can make him feel heard and safe, like the night of his anxiety attack. It seems like tonight is also one of those occasions.  

“You need to understand something about my addictions… The reason I use drugs or that I drink is because sometimes I feel like I have zero control over my life. I get these panic attacks, or these waves of sadness, and they are absolutely out of my control. And with drugs, or with alcohol, I feel like I can control my lack of control. I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, but to me it does. Because when I lose control with drugs or alcohol, at least I’m the one who introduced them to my system, they aren’t uninvited like the bad feelings I get. Brian, I got so nervous tonight before the show. And I didn’t do anything, I swear, but I really fucking wanted to.” Brian finishes with a long sigh, letting me know he’s been holding these words in both physically and emotionally for a long time. I take a deep breath before I speak, because I want my voice to be steady enough for the both of us.

“First of all, Bri, I’m so fucking proud of you for not doing anything. I can only imagine how hard that must have been and I’m just so amazed with your strength. Second of all, I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am that you told me all of this, because now I feel so confident that we can work through this together.” I hope he knows I mean every word I said.

“I just need to find a way to train myself to give up control, you know?” When he says that a dangerous idea comes to my mind, one that I know would change the course of our friendship if I were to carry it through. I’ll have tomorrow to think about it more, before Brian comes back, but as the seconds go by I become increasingly sure that it might actually work. That I can make it work.

“Then that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

“I’ve been trying to for years Brian…” He says quietly, sadly.

“Yeah, but now you have me, and you know that when I want something I get it.” I say this firmly, trying to convince him but maybe also myself.

“That’s undeniable.” Brian replies, and I think I can finally hear a smile in his voice, so I instinctively smile as well.

“Then it’s settled. Now go get sleep you dumbass, it’s late.”

“I will. Sweet dreams B.” Ah, there’s the sweetest fucking voice to ever grace my ears.

“Sweet dreams baby.”


	6. Trust me

I was stressed out of my god damned mind, pacing around my living room and biting my nail so aggressively I could feel blood on my tongue. I have absolutely no clue how Brian is going to react to my idea, and I know if he agrees to it, everything is going to change. I want to do this because I believe with all my heart this might actually be the one thing that helps Brian’s very particular problem, and I am doing this entirely for him. Because I love him. I know him, I know his soul, I know how intertwined it is with his body, which is why this might be the perfect solution. It would take everything in me to be able to do this and still remain only friends with him, but I’m willing to, because Brian comes first. He always has.

A knock sounds on my door and it’s go time. I walk slowly, still unsure of everything that might transpire very soon, letting myself debate this one last time. But my mind is set, and my heart tells me that it’s right. I open the door and in front of me stands my best friend, and the man I have no doubt in my mind is my eternal soulmate. I smile immediately, and he does too, and I know instantly that everything is going to be okay. That we’ll get through this together, as a team. We always do.

“I missed you.” Brian says, still standing in my doorway.

“It was only a week, don’t exaggerate.” I respond, but pull him into a tight hug to let him know I missed him just as much. Probably more. His hands around me feel like home, and if there was any question in me about what I’m going to propose, it’s gone now. “Listen, I need to talk to you about something.” I say quietly, still embracing my best friend. He pulls back but keeps his arms loosely around my waist, and I love him for never wanting us to be too far apart.

“What is it?”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me the other night, and I think I came up with a solution. Now, I don’t want you to feel obliged to go with it, but I really think this might be the one thing that actually helps.”

Brian looks at me questioningly, not sure how to respond. I know how exhausted he is from having to deal with his inner struggles for so many years of his life, and how even more exhausted he is from failing at resolving them. I don’t want to be another failed attempt, another disappointment, and that’s an added concern I have with the idea I came up with. But loving Brian means doing anything to help, no matter how scary or hard it would be for me.

“What did you come up with?” He asks me, and his voice sounds worried.

“Close your eyes.” I say, and Brian does so immediately, because I know that deep down he’s willing to try anything to work through his problem. I’m so proud of him for never giving up. I take his hands in mine and walk backwards slowly, towards my bedroom, making sure he’s not peeking. Once we reach my room I tell him to open his eyes, and go to stand next to him. I can tell that he’s not too certain what he’s looking at, but that he might be starting to get the idea.

In front of us is my bed, done with warm new sheets, a few pillows, and a long piece of silk tied to each end of my headboard. The red fabric stands in sharp contrast to the white of my sheets, and I can see Brian’s eyes slowly shifting from one piece of fabric to the other. I take a deep breath, looking between him and the bed, waiting for him to speak.

“What’s this?” He asks with something just a little louder than a whisper, his eyes not leaving the bed, and the red silky fabric.

“This is how we’re going to train you to give up control.” I answer, now looking only at him. His head turns to me slowly, and he raises an eyebrow, still not sure how to respond. “Every time you feel like you don’t know how to handle your lack of control, you call me, and we do this.”

“Why are you doing this?” Brian asks me, and my response is instinctive.

“Because I love you.” But my cowardly heart won’t let me leave those words in the air like that, and I hate myself a little for it. Or a lot. “You’re my best friend.” I add, and mentally slap my own face. I wish I was braver, I wish I could be as honest with this man as he always has been with me, even when it’s hard. But I’m too afraid not to be loved back by him in the same way, and while every action I take or word I say is informed by my love for him, something is blocking me from being as unequivocal about it as I should.

“And what would this do to our friendship?”

“Nothing we won’t let it.” I answer, and then I realize this is as good of a time as any to test what my kisses can do. I step closer to Brian and stare into his blue eyes, and my love for him more than anything is what moves me to close the extra few inches between us. I let my lips rest on his softly, telling him what I didn’t manage to with my words, and I bring my hand to cup his cheek. He leans into my palm and kisses me back, breathing deeply. I detach our mouths and look at my angel again, wanting to see if I succeeded in earning his faith. “Can you trust me?”

Rather than answering, Brian nods and quietly slips off his shoes, looking at me all the while. He then turns around and gets to the bed, getting on it and standing on his knees at the center, waiting for me. I walk to him slowly, and then mimic his position on the bed, taking his hands in mine.

“If at any point you want me to stop, say so. Otherwise, I’m the one who calls the shots.” The tone of my voice is deeper than I’m used to, and I can feel my fingers tingling where they’re touching his.

“Okay.” That’s all the approval I need from him.

I move my hands to the bottom of his shirt and remove it, exposing Brian’s chiseled chest. There are tattoos covering his arms and below his clavicle, and I make a mental note to kiss every single one of them. I let my hand rest on Brian’s chest for a second, feeling his beating heart, before I lightly shove him. He understands what to do, and moves to lie on his back, visibly gulping and never losing eye contact.  

I move to one side of the bed and wrap the piece of silk around Brian’s right wrist, making sure it’s tied well enough, but not so tight that it hurts. I get off the bed and move to its other side, and do the same with his other wrist. I can feel Brian’s eyes following every move I make, but I’m scared that if I’ll look at him I won’t tie the fabric tight enough, because a huge part of me just wants him to touch me all over, without restraints. Once both wrists have been secured I take off my shirt and pants, letting my eyes slowly roam Brian’s body from the bottom of his feet, up his jean clad legs, to his strong chest, and finally his piercing blue eyes. His eyes are glued to mine, and I can see them darkening as I approach the bed again.

When I come to lie on top of Brian, with an elbow near each side of his head, I see his eyes that are typically a light baby blue have turned almost sapphire. It’s breathtaking, and there’s nothing I can do but lean down and crush my lips on his. Brian sighs and I swallow it into my mouth as I open it so I could play with his tongue. We kiss languidly, tongues tangling slowly and lips moving with something resembling shyness. Time is an elusive concept when Brian McCook’s lips are yours for the taking.

When I feel Brian’s bulge touching mine through the fabric of his jeans and my boxers, I know it’s time to begin what is planned to be the most excruciatingly pleasurable experience of both of our lives. I’m going to make every single second of this count. I want to worship his body and see him lose every last bit of control left in him.

I end our kiss with a sad whimper, and move my lips to his sharp jaw, which I had probably one too many dreams of licking. I start scattering open kisses along it, until I reach the spot right beneath his ear. It’s calling for me to suck on, so I do just that, taking the sensitive skin into my mouth. Brian lets out the quietest moan, but it’s enough to get me wild and I suck hard, until I know there’ll be a small purple mark there. Once I’m satisfied with my work I let my tongue out, and lick Brian’s neck from the point where it meets his shoulder to the purple spot I had marked. He’s panting heavily, and when I start nibbling on his neck I can feel the way he swallows down each of his breaths.

Once I reach his clavicle, I kiss the dragonfly tattoo he has on each side, admiring the art work, but more so the way his bones strain against his taut skin. My lips then travel lower and take one of his puckered nipples in my mouth, sucking on it lightly as one of my hands finds his other one and I pinch it gently between my fingers.

“Fuck.” Brian whispers so quietly I can barely hear it, but it makes its way to my ears and I smile against his skin. I give his nipple a final lick and blow cool air on it, loving the way the pink contrasts with Brian’s pale skin.

I get up to my knees then and move to open Brian’s belt, looking at his stunning face as his jaw twitches while he watches my hands intently. When I remove his jeans I’m met with the sight of his white briefs barely managing to contain his erection, and there’s a small stain letting me know he’s wet just for me. I lick my lips, but know that I have to control myself and take this slowly, so it will be a little longer until I take him in my mouth they way I’ve been wanting to for far longer than I care to admit.

After discarding of the pants I return to my previous position on top of Brian, and pick up where I left off. My hands stroke his sides as I kiss my way down his abs that are more formed than ever, and I can feel him flexing and unflexing under my lips. When I reach the elastic of his briefs, I raise my eyes to lock with Brian’s, and take the fabric between my teeth, raising it then dragging it down to reveal his straining cock.

“Oh my god.” Brian groans and throws his head against the pillow. Each of his reactions is only making me harder, but this is all about him, so I make sure to worship every part of Brian’s body first.

I kiss up his left leg slowly, my hands accompanying my journey, and his toned muscles under my palms and lips remind me of every slow split I have ever seen him do. These are the muscles behind that masterful way of seduction, and they were made perfectly for the shape of my lips.  As I near my destination, I can’t help but leave another mark on Brian’s skin. Since he has put a permanent mark on my heart, it only seems fair that I get to put a mark on him. The only difference is that the bruise will fade in a few days, and my love for this man never will. As I suck on his inner thigh, I let my fingers scratch his hips, and I wish I had three more hands so I could touch him everywhere.

 Seeing that a beautiful purple bruise has formed, I finally allow myself to reach my target. Brian is leaking pre-cum against his stomach and his cock is practically pulsing. I look up again and like before, see that Brian’s eyes are trained on my face. Perfect. I let my tongue out and drag it as slowly as I can up his length, ending at the head of his shaft. Brian’s hands clench into fists and the look on his face seems almost dangerous. He’s having a hard time, literally, but that’s exactly the point. I then take him in one hand and position him so I could circle his head with my tongue, licking the pre-cum from it only to be rewarded with more. When I take his tip into my mouth and start sucking on it, Brian’s eyes roll to the back of his head, and I’m pretty sure I have never seen anything sexier in my life.

My mouth waters at the taste of him, and I can’t wait any longer, so I take as much of him as I can into my mouth. He’s long, and thick, and I want to suck him off for five days straight. I shut my eyes as well as I start bobbing my head up and down, because I need to focus all of me on giving this man that I love the pleasure he deserves. I move my mouth along him in tantalizingly slow motions, and my hand takes his balls, massaging them at the same pace. When Brian starts to moan softly my cock twitches in my boxers, and it’s starting to painfully strain against the fabric. I try to relieve the pain by grinding against the mattress, but I’m stopped in my tracks when Brian’s hips suddenly buck up. I’m the one in control, I’m the one calling the shots, so I look up at him warningly and move my hand from his cock to his hips, holding him still. I let him slip out of my mouth and start kissing along his member, letting my lips linger with every kiss.

When I feel that I have teased him long enough, I get off the bed and Brian bends his knees, angrily digging his heels in the mattress but not saying anything. I take a bottle of lube from my night stand and finally take off my underwear. My dick springs up with a lightning speed and I let out a long breath, because the cool air against my burning skin feels fucking fantastic. I lather my shaft entirely, and then put more on the fingers of my left hand. When I raise my head again I can see Brian watching only my cock, biting his bottom lip. He has told me on various occasions and at great length how much he loves giving head, and I can see he’s dying to take me in his mouth. I think I can cum from that thought alone.

I move back to the bed and spread Brian’s legs a bit further apart with my knees as I come to lie on top of him. With my dry hand I hold his neck, my thumb tilting his jaw up so he would look straight into my eyes as I circle a finger around his entrance, and then let it slide in. Brian’s lip slips from between his teeth and he groans softly as I start working in and out of him. I gradually let another finger in and lean down to meet his lips. It couldn’t have been more than twenty minutes since I last kissed him, but I had missed his lips so much it might as well have been a year. I press my lips against him over and over, never getting enough, lingering longer with every kiss.  

Giving Brian a last, long kiss, I move to bite his earlobe as I insert a third finger, curling them inside of him. Brian groans more loudly than he has before, and the sound sends jolts of electricity down my spine. Brian nearly never bottoms, and I’m pretty damn big, so it’s going to be a tight fit.

“How does that feel?” I whisper in his ear, breaking the long silence between us as my fingers never cease to slide back and forth.

“Fucking divine baby.” Brian answers, and my heart skips about three beats at the sound of that last word.

I take my fingers out of him then and position myself at his entrance, looking at his flushed face. Brian is the most beautiful man in the world to me, and I never thought I would have the privilege to see him like this, naked and unhinged. I start entering him slowly, and move both of my hands to cradle his precious face, like the rare gem that it is. My forehead falls against Brian’s and both of our eyes shut tightly, because the feeling is all too overwhelming. When I finally bottom out I let out a throaty groan, and Brian hums. I open my eyes to see a small smile on his lips, and he’s breathing harshly through his nose. His face is a stunning mixture of pleasure and pain and I take his lips in mine as I start moving inside him.

Brian is tight and warm around me, and I start by sliding back and forth slowly, as my tongue finds its way into his mouth. I moan into the kiss, because everything about this feels like home. Every part of my body is touching Brian and I can safely say this is one of the happiest I’ve ever been. I move with purpose, trying to drive him increasingly mad. Brian’s mouth is hungry, begging for more, so I give him everything I have. I quicken my pace ever so slightly as I bite down on his bottom lip, finally earning a loud moan.

But Brian is trying to be as quiet as possible, restraining himself, and that’s the exact opposite of what I want. I want him to go absolutely crazy. I let one of the hands that was holding his face slide down and take his hard cock, smearing his own pre-cum along it and starting to stroke it. He moans again, but it’s still not enough for me.

“Louder baby, lose control.” I whisper against his lips, and punctuate it with a harsh slam of my hips against his. At that Brian lets out a loud and fucking sexy grunt, throws his head back and tugs on the silk that’s confining him to no avail. That’s exactly what I was looking for, and I can tell I hit just the right spot inside of him. “There we go.” I say as I maintain the angle, and start pounding faster in and out of him, my hand pumping him tightly.

He’s groaning and moaning now every time my hips meet his and I know it’s not for show, a knowledge which only serves to drive me faster and harder. I rise to my knees then so I could have a better look at Brian, and move my hand from his face to lace under one of his knees, holding it to my chest. The sight in front of me should be documented and put in a god damned museum. Brian’s hands are holding onto the ropes for dear life, his chest and face are red, his back is arched, my hand is working its way faster and faster on his big cock, my dick is slamming in and out of him at a dizzying speed, and a drop of sweat rolls down from my chest and lands on his muscled leg that I’m holding.

This is all obscenely too much, far too erotic to be happening in real life, and I have never experienced anything like this before. I’m completely out of breath as I grunt again and again, the sound lost in the sea of noises that are escaping Brian’s soft lips.

“Brian.” My best friend moans, and I never knew just how much I needed to hear him say my name like that up until now. “I’m gonna-“

“Let go baby, cum for me.” I say through gritted teeth, and make sure to tighten my grip on him and stroke him as fast as I can. His release comes seconds later, and it’s accompanied by his hips bucking repeatedly as he cums onto my hand and his stomach, which is visibly contracting. That is all it takes to send me over the edge as well, and I slam one last time into him, spilling for what feels like hours and biting my lip because otherwise the whole neighborhood is going to wake up.

And then everything goes silent.

We’re panting and shaking slightly, but I can’t hear any of it because my eyes zoom in on Brian’s and I know nothing will ever be the same. This worked, and it’s going to happen again, and I want it to. I can do this every day for the rest of my life as far as I’m concerned.

I kiss Brian’s leg and let it down as I sadly leave his body, and both of us shudder.  I then get off the bed and walk to my en-suite to dampen a towel. When I come back Brian’s eyes are all over me, and I suddenly feel extremely exposed, so like always I blush even though I’m almost thirty years old. I sit next to Brian and clean him, and then myself, smiling at the mess we have made. After I throw the towel carelessly to the floor, I move to untie Brian’s hand, and once released from the silk I kiss the marks the fabric has left on his skin when he strained against it. I walk silently to the other side of the bed and do the same with his other wrist, letting my lips rest on his skin and rubbing it with my thumb.

Deciding to remain quiet, because I have no fucking clue what to say, I shut off the lights and slip under the covers. Brian immediately does the same, understanding that I want him to stay. I’m grateful that he does. Like magnets, our naked bodies find their way together, and Brian throws a leg and an arm over me, his palm pressed flat against my beating heart and his head resting on me. I take his hand in mine and kiss the top of his head, and Brian presses his lips tenderly against my chest, and the world is a better place to live in than it was a few hours ago. It’s peaceful, and intimate, and so different yet just the same.  

In the morning I wake up to the sound of pen against paper, and as my eyes flutter open I see Brian scribbling something in the notebook I keep on my bedside table. I close my eyes again, because I don’t want Brian to feel caught, since he had obviously planned to leave unnoticed. Suddenly, I feel soft lips against mine, but they’re gone just as fast, and then my bedroom door shuts closed. As soon as I hear the creak of my front door I let my eyes open once more, and immediately reach over to the open notebook where Brian has written.

 _Good morning doll,_  
_I had to leave because I’m meeting Amy for lunch. A note seemed more fitting than a text._  
 _You looked too beautiful and peaceful so I didn’t have the heart to wake you up, but I hope you have an incredible day._

_Last night meant the world to me._

_Love,_   
_Your best friend and lesbian life partner,_   
_Brian/Katya/Barbara/B-dog/Linda/that person whose ass you destroyed last night_

I scream-laugh when I read that last line, and then I read the letter about four more times. These sixty eight words sum up perfectly all the reasons why I love Brian, and maybe one day I’d be brave enough to tell him just that.


	7. Nothing to be angry about

**Brian McCook's POV**

Loving Brian feels as natural as breathing, and as terrifying as jumping from a cliff. Like breathing, my love for him became a necessary element of my existence, and like jumping off a cliff, I was frozen on the edge, looking at the deep water, frightened. I know that at some point I would have to take the leap, or even that the strong wind would topple me over, but my legs refuse to cooperate and all I can feel is my feet digging into the rocks beneath me, stubbornly unable to let go.

Loving Brian is especially effortless when he laughs wholeheartedly at a stupid joke I made, or when he absentmindedly runs his fingers through my hair when we watch a movie. Loving Brian is especially terrifying when he’s moving inside me, touching me like no one else ever has, healing my broken soul in ways he probably can’t even imagine.

Falling in love with Brian happened at an unknown point in time, possibly already when I first laid eyes on him, and it keeps happening every day. Falling in love with Brian was not a choice, it was an inevitability. There was no option not to fall in love with him four years ago when he showed up in my life with a copious amount of makeup and a map in his hand, there was no option not to fall in love with him as we were filming our web series and found out we have far more in common than we could believe, there was no option not to fall in love with him when I left rehab and he said that he had cried almost every day I was away, and there was no option not to fall in love with him when I showed up in his house late at night a few days ago, tears streaming down my face, and he silently took me to his bedroom to show me how amazing it could be to lose all control, all the while tenderly kissing above my heart again and again.

In a perfect world, Brian loves me in return, in the same way I love him. In a perfect world, I’m not a coward who’s too afraid to ask. In a perfect world, I get to share a bed with him every night, and not just on those nights where he’s collecting my broken pieces. In a perfect world, I’m not broken, and I can deserve someone like Brian Firkus. But Brian is an angel, and I’m a mere mortal, and I’m scared he’s just too far out of reach.

We drive together to Justin’s apartment, always together. We’re greeted by our friends together, as if we’re one person. Sometimes that’s exactly what it feels like. Now that we’ve been intimate, our bodies work together like a form of dance, moving silently in the room as I sit on the floor with my back to the couch, and Brian comes to sit between my legs with his back to my chest. My hands wrap around him instinctively, one arms around his waist and one palm flat against his heart, and his hands go to my jean clad thighs, in a way that all but screams he knows precisely what it feels like to have them wrapped around his naked waist.

We’ve all gathered to watch a video that we filmed in honor of season 11 of Drag Race, where they asked former queens to give advice to the new girls and tell stories from our seasons. Miraculously, many of us could come tonight, a rare occasion, so we decided to have a viewing party of the first episode after watching ourselves. The video starts with Jinkx, advising the girls to never fall asleep on set if it’s up to them. Then Bianca appears on screen, throwing her usual shade on all us “loser queens.”  After that, Trixie appears on screen, her face beautifully painted and her blonde hair flowing around it. She’s advising the queens to hang around anonymous bitchy notes in each of the queens’ stations, and watch the world burn. Classic. Then I appear on the screen, and the interviewer asks me what’s my favorite memory from All Stars 2.

“Well,” I start saying to the camera. “What many people don’t know is that after my idea for the product was shot down in the work room I had a complete mental breakdown. And the reason why I decided to go through with it anyways is that I was taken aside and shown a tape from Trixie.” Brian squeezes my thighs when he hears that, and I kiss his temple, smiling at the sweet memory.

_I was crying my eyes out, questioning every decision I had made that brought me to that moment in time. Some god sent messenger then decided that it would be a good time to show me the tape they had recorded for me. They had been doing that throughout the weeks, taking girls aside when they needed it most, but I had no clue just how much I needed it until Trixie’s made up face appeared on the screen._

_“Hi Kats! It’s me, Tallulah Maraschino, your private barbie doll and lesbian life partner.” I remember smiling immediately, my tears of sadness replaced with a joyful laughter. “You’ve been gone for far too long now, so I hope that means you’re winning, and I hope they’re showing you this tape when you need it most. I miss your wrinkled face, and your stupid laughter, and your smoker breath when you try to kiss me, so please win quickly and come back home.” Brian then took a deep breath and his face straightened. “In all seriousness, Kat, I believe in you with all my heart, and I hope you’re managing to follow yours without giving a shit about what anybody says. You’re amazing, and so talented, and the funniest crossdresser I know, and I couldn’t care less if you win or not because I’ll always be so fucking proud of you and of the complex female character you are. I love you, you’re always a winner to me baby, see you soon.” He blew me a kiss through the screen, and then it went black, and my heart forgot how to beat for a while._

As I press another kiss to Brian’s head, Ginger appears on the screen, and she’s asked the same question.

“Honestly, the best memory I have is just seeing my best friend Katya succeeding and doing so well and overcoming so many of her barriers.”

Brian’s hands that were running up and down my legs tense, and then they’re gone altogether, and he gets up and walks away from the living room, leaving my hands to fall at my sides, empty. I look around and see our friends are staring after him, confused by his behavior. I am too. Before I know it I’m up on my feet and following Brian, some sort of gravitational force not allowing me to be too far away from him. Before he manages to close the door to one of the bedrooms I push it so I could enter as well, and then close it behind me.

“What was that all about?” I ask, coming to stand in front of Brian, who’s looking at me as if I murdered his cat.

“You know exactly what it’s about.” He replies harshly.

“No, I’m sorry, I really don’t.”

“I can’t stand it, Brian. I can’t stand it when she calls you her best friend. She came off our season with everyone thinking she’s a bitch, which she is, and she tried to salvage that image by latching onto the fan favorite. She’s using you, and she makes you look bad when she says those things and you don’t reciprocate. I never understand why you’re so calm about it.” He seems pissed, and I know it’s because he cares for me, so I soften my tone.

“Babe, there isn’t even one person on this planet that thinks she’s actually my best friend. I don’t care what she says on TV because it has nothing to do with me. She’s a great person, and she’s allowed to make any business decision she likes, and I have explicitly told her that you’re always going to bethe number one person in my life and that’s that.” I tell him, and hope he knows just how true that is. I take his beautiful face in my hands to stress the point again. “There’s absolutely no reason for you to get so angry with what she says, Brian, you’re my best friend in the world.” Before I can give it a second thought, I finish the sentence by pressing a kiss to Brian’s sweet lips. I just don’t want him to be angry, or to ever doubt the position he has in my life. When I go to break the kiss, Brian chases my mouth and gives me another peck, so I laugh and give him another kiss too. Then we just start laughing, and exchanging small kisses, again and again, our eyes open and full of glee. I love the playful side of Brian, something that I have recently been privileged to see more and more of, and it’s stunning. Then he goes and breaks the spell by smacking me on the head.

“Come on jackass, let’s go back.” He smiles at me, and takes my hand to lead us back to the living room where our friends are waiting. As we sit back in our previous position a thought crosses my mind, and I wonder if I had just made some sort of dangerous discovery. I know Brian’s kisses have an invincible power over me, one that could get me to do or say practically anything at all. But could it be that my kisses have a similar power over him? If a kiss can get him to stop being angry, what else can it do? This is dangerous territory, because I now have every intention to test my theory, and in only a week and a half from now we’ll have an entire weekend together in Wisconsin.

I can’t wait to see how this turns out.


	8. You're safe

Brian invited me to spend an entire weekend with him in Wisconsin. One of his friends from college is opening a nightclub tomorrow night, and he decided it would be a good time to finally introduce me to all his old friends from back home. It’s been many years in the making, and a lot of them have moved out, but they will all be here this weekend and I’m extremely excited to meet them. When he invited me to go I almost couldn’t believe it. Meeting these people and staying over at the house he grew up in, with his family, is the last puzzle piece that was missing in learning the jigsaw that Brian is. I’m thrilled, and my emotions run even higher when Brian holds my hand all throughout the flight, and then during the entire taxi ride to his house.

We reach the small house and are greeted by the sight of Brian’s joyful mother, who hugs me in a way that is a bit painful, but I’m just thankful that she shows me that amount of affection, so I keep my mouth shut. Their house is small, but so homey, and fills in the rest of the blanks I had as to who Brian Firkus is. After making small talk about our flight, Brian excuses us and takes my hand in his again to lead me up the stairs.

He opens the door to what can only be his old bedroom, and I fall in love with him even more. There are posters all around the place of country bands, a dusty guitar hung on the wall, old Converse strewn on the floor as if he had only just left and a desk piled with books and notebooks. It screams Brian from every corner, and I can just imagine seventeen-year-old him strumming his guitar late at night and imagining a better life. I hope his dreams came true.

“Okay, so as you know, we’re poor Midwesterners, so there isn’t a guestroom or anything, we’re gonna have to share a bed.” Brian says, looking at me with an expression I can’t really discern.

“Absolutely unacceptable.” I reply.

“Alright, you’re more than welcome to sleep in the old out house.” He smiles at me and I shove him playfully, so happy to get our weekend started.

After settling in and changing into more comfortable clothes, Brian and I go downstairs to have dinner. The scent that comes from the kitchen is delicious, and I can hear girls laughing as I walk down the stairs, trying not to stare too intently at Brian’s ass.

“Hey dumbasses, come say hi.” Brian calls out, and when we reach the bottom I see all three of his sisters are waiting for us at the dinner table. They get up and run to us, hugging Brian first and then me, and something about the situation feels surreal. Being at the home where the man I love grew up in and being treated so kindly by his family is all I could ever dream about. When we all go to sit around the table I wish I could just lay my hand on Brian’s thigh and kiss his cheek, but I settle for finding his fingers and holding them below the table.

“Brian, dear, I hate to be a bad host but I feel like I already know everything about you so I have very little to ask.” Brian’s mom says, and I smile inwardly at that little piece of knowledge. It’s fucking amazing to know that Brian speaks about me with his family, and out of the corner of my eye I can see him slightly blushing.

“Well, you probably don’t know that I speak five languages.” I say, wanting for some reason to impress his mom.

“Oh, we know that, he won’t shut up about how smart you are.” Brian’s youngest sister says, not even looking up from her plate of lasagna.

“Why don’t you just go back to reblogging things on tumblr, asshole?” Brian tells her, but there’s no heat behind his words, his eyes are full of adoration.

“Why don’t you just go back to LA, fag, no one wants you here.” She replies jokingly, smiling back at her older brother.

“If I’m going I’m leaving Brian here, and he’s high-maintenance, so you better watch out.”

“Are you really one to talk about being high maintenance?” Brian’s middle sister shoots back, and I can’t help but laugh at that. This interaction is fucking precious.

“What are you laughing at, bitch? You’re as needy as a fucking baby!” Brian looks at me incredulously.

“Then why don’t you be my daddy big boy?” I say with my most porn-like voice. And then Brian’s eyes widen and I realize where we’re at and I clasp a hand over my mouth, not believing what I had just done. Luckily enough, it appears this family is quite liberal and probably used to stupid gay shit leaving Brian’s mouth all the time, so they all just laugh, presumably half at my joke and half at my reaction. “I’m sorry guys, that was really inappropriate.” I say to the table and bow my head, concentrating on eating the delicious food that’s on my plate.

“I’m just glad I’m not the one sharing a wall with your room.” Brian’s youngest sister says, and now I think I’m blushing too, because up until now I hadn’t really thought of the chance that we might sleep together while being here, and now that it’s out there it’s probably going to be all I can think of.

“Don’t worry, I’ll choke him if he gets too loud.” Brian replies, and ironically enough I choke on the water I had just been drinking, and let go of his hand so I could smack his arm. Although Brian and I are not together, ever since we started being intimate, he has allowed himself to be far more sexually open around me and others as well. While Brian has a lot of experience, he’s also a very reserved person who tends to get shy around these topics. I’m so fucking happy to be able to have this carefree side of him on display, I just hope he contains it to times when I’m not trying to hold down my drink.

“Okay I think I’m ready to hear embarrassing stories now, thank you very much.” I say loudly, trying to control the fit of laughter the small family seems to be in.

“The only thing you really need to know is that this horny dickhead wasn’t satisfied with having just the one Ken doll mom bought him, so he used to silently walk into my room, grab _my_ ken doll, and bring it back like an hour later covered in his own saliva.” The oldest of Brian’s little sisters says, and I look at Brian with shock, but he seems unfazed by the story, too absorbed in his meal.

“You shoved two dolls down your throat?” I ask him, my eyes wide.

“Yeah, how do you think I got so good at giving head?” He asks me, still looking at his fucking plate, and I think if the chair was just a tiny bit higher my boner would have lifted the table off the floor.

“Oh, I have a good one!” Brian’s mom speaks, saving me and my blushing mug. “When he was fifteen, he used to sneak into my bedroom early in the morning, and steal my foundation and concealer, thinking I wouldn’t notice his complexion suddenly became impeccable overnight.” I start laughing, and the sisters join me, but Brian’s eyes suddenly lift form the plate and he looks at his mother with something that strikes me awfully like pain.

“Excuse me.” He says, lifting the table cloth off his lap and rising from the table, walking with quick strides upstairs to his room. I look around at the girls, desperate to go after Brian but not wanting to be rude.

“You can go dear, it’s okay.” Brian’s mom tells me, laying a hand on mine. I get off the chair immediately.

“Thank you so much for the meal, I had a wonderful time with you guys.” I say as I walk towards the staircase, my heart carrying me rather than my feet. I take the stairs two at a time.

When I open the door to Brian’s room my heart breaks in a million pieces. He’s lying on his bed, cradling a pillow tightly to his chest and crying onto the one that’s below his head. I close the door behind me and he lifts his eyes to meet mine, allowing me to see how red they already are. I walk over to the bed and gently take the pillow from his hands, coming to lie on my side beside him, as close as I dare to be. I slide a leg between his bent knees and Brian wraps his arm around my waist, bringing me closer. I love him.

“Talk to me.” I say quietly, raising my hand to wipe the tears off this angel’s beautiful face and then resting it on his cheek.

“I used to wake up at 5am.” Brian hiccups, trying to speak through his tears. “I used to wake up at 5am and sneak into their bedroom so I could take her makeup and cover up the bruises from my step dad. She doesn't know how long he used to beat me up for, she only found out the day my alarm ran out of battery and I didn’t wake up early enough.” More tears are streaming down Brian’s face, and I wish I could go back in time and murder the man who had hurt this perfect piece of creation that’s in my arms. I wipe the tears with my thumb and press my forehead to Brian’s, breathing deeply before I speak, because my heart is shattered and the splinters are making it hard to take oxygen in.

“Just say the word and I’ll track the son of a bitch down. I have connections, no one will ever know it was us.” I say, not really knowing what else there is to say. Luckily, once again I’m proven that I know my best friend more than anyone else in the world, because he laughs a little and that’s all I could ever ask for. I decide then to be more serious, and hope he hears it in my voice. “Brian, as long as I live no one is ever going to hurt you again. You’re safe.” He looks up when I say it, and suddenly he seems both twelve and fifty years old at the same time. I can see in his eyes the young boy who had so much joy and hope before life got in the way, and the adult who has been roughened by the years. He’s stunning, full of raw edges and bare wires.

“Promise?” He whispers, almost shyly.

“Promise, baby.” I answer, and without giving it too much thought I lean down to kiss him. I know I’m too much of a coward to say it out loud, so maybe through my kiss he could understand just how much I love him, and that I will to anything and everything protect him. I kiss him tenderly, barely putting any pressure, and we stay like that for a few seconds, just breathing each other in. When I break apart from him I see a content little smile tugging at the edges of his lips, and I may as well have won an Oscar. Brian keeps his eyes closed and burrows further into the pillow, so I shut off the lights so he could get some sleep, and reach for the blanket to wrap it tightly around us. The soft yellow light from the lamp on his desk allows me to see his face, and I trace a finger over his thick brow, the slope of his nose, his round cheek, the curve of his lips, amazed by the way his imperfections make him so perfect to me.

“That feels nice.” Brian says with a voice only a little louder than a whisper. I kiss him again, because I have to.

“Goodnight B.” I tell him, and continue my meticulous study of his face as his breathing eventually evens and he falls asleep, in my arms, right where he belongs.


	9. Sober up

I wake up to a kiss on my forehead and Brian telling me to come down for breakfast. I wish I could just tug on his hand and pull him into bed with me, show him all the ways in which I can make him feel as good as he makes me on nights when I break down. I wish I wouldn’t need to wait for something bad to happen to make love to Brian. I wish I could show up at his place with flowers, wrap my arms around him as he cooks, take him on the dinner table and then gently kiss him goodnight when we reach a bed that we share on a nightly basis. But how can a broken man like me ever be good enough for the perfection that Brian is?

So instead of tugging on his hand I let him tug on mine and pull me out of bed, and we walk silently side by side to eat. We spend the day talking to his mom, whom I have grown to adore, and his sisters that all seem to be quite fond of me. One is funnier than the next, and the domestic scene that this quiet day at home is doesn’t escape me. I can see myself being a part of this family, and Brian being a part of mine, and the thought brings a tear to my eye which I disguise as being out of laughter from another of Brian’s crazy childhood stories.

Brian and I volunteer to be the ones making dinner, but neither of us can cook so the casserole burns and the buns are too dry and even the salad tastes disgusting. It’s an absolute mess and we can’t help but laugh our asses off and blame each other for the failed meal. Luckily, there’s a pizza place not too far off that we order from. We all then sit in the living room to eat and watch a movie, and my heart swells when Brian decides to sit as close to me as he can, and uses his free hand to stroke my hair and the back of my neck all throughout the film.

Afterwards we shower and get dressed, we head out to meet Brian’s friends at the nightclub. As we near the place I get more and more nervous, because I just really want them all to like me. These are people who have remained a part of Brian’s life for so many years, and whom he loves dearly. There’s a big part of me that feels like tonight is a test, in which I need to prove to myself, and Brian, that there’s a place for me in all parts of his life. We reach the place and park the car, and see that the line to the club is practically endless, which is incredible for a place that just opened. Brian ushers me to the door with a hand on the low of my back and the doorman immediately lets us in, we’re on the list.

We walk over to a raised deck, which appears to be the VIP area, and are greeted by a group of very excited people. The first one to approach us is Leah, the girl who owns the club. She hugs Brian and I tightly and introduces herself.

“So this is the bitch who replaced us, huh?” She asks Brian jokingly after telling me a little about herself and the place.

“Don’t worry, it’s temporary, he’s probably gonna hit the bucket later this year.” Brian replies with a smug smile, and I scrunch my eyes at him and shove his face. He bites my hand and I let out a surprised gasp as the gang laughs. I already feel much more at ease. We sit down and make introductions, and I immediately wrap my arm around Brian’s shoulder, because I feel like I have reached a point where if at least one part of me isn’t touching him I go crazy. Without pause, he reaches up and laces his fingers with mine, leaning into me. I love when Brian is like that, so open and uncaring as to how it may seem. We know what we are and that’s all that really matters.

“Alright,” Says a guy who suddenly shows up next to us, holding a tray full of drinks in his hand. He’s tall and his shoulders are wide, and at a different point in time I probably would have jumped his bones the second I laid eyes on him. But now, every man I see pales in comparison to the man who’s currently holding my hand, and I don’t predict that changing anytime in the coming decades. “Brian F, I got you your favorite, a double portion of whiskey.” He says as he hands a surprised looking Brian the drink. “And for Brian M, I made you the best mocktail you’ll taste in your life.” He says and hands me a tall glass with a red and yellow liquid inside. I look at Brian for an explanation as the guy continues handing drinks around and putting down bottles of vodka and tequila, but Brian just shakes his head as if to say he has no clue as well.

“Yeah, maybe I should have started with an introduction.” The guy says while he pushes his short hair off his forehead, coming to sit opposite us on the couch. “I’m Jamie, I’m the person who created all the cocktails on the menu, and the new token gay of the group now that you left.” He looks at Brian when he finishes the sentence, and something doesn’t sit well in my stomach with the way he lets his eyes linger on him before turning to look at me. “Come on, taste the cocktail.”

I take a sip from the straw and have to agree with him, because this is indeed the best mocktail I have ever had. I hold it out for Brian to taste as well, and he downs his whole glass of scotch before taking a sip. His eyes widen and I nod in agreement. “This is so good Jamie.” I tell the guy, grateful that he had been so considerate to make this for me.  

“So how long have you two been together?” He asks, and Brian and I look at each other and then back at him, stuttering in unison that we aren’t. Something in me is glad it appears that we are, I love knowing that we seem as if we belong together. Because we do. “Excellent.” Jamie says, staring directly at me, and the unease returns because now I have no clue which of us he’s hitting on, and I don’t like either option. “Hey guys, let’s raise a shot to the newest member of our group.” He says loudly, and the friends all agree. Brian opts for tequila while the rest go for vodka, and I know it’s because he still hasn’t recovered from the season seven finale party after which he was hungover for two days straight. I smile at the memory, and at how excited the gang is to include me, and then my smile becomes impossibly bigger when Brian leans to kiss my cheek before taking the shot. He’s going to be tipsy soon, and I can’t wait for the moment he decides to go dancing, because a drunk Brian and a dancefloor are always a good mix.

“Oh, come on man, you can’t take a tequila shot without salt and a lemon in front of a bartender.” Jamie tells Brian after he downed the small glass.

“Fill her up then.” Brian tells him, and there’s something dangerous in his eyes, something that looks like a challenge. He releases his hand from mine and reaches over for the salt shaker on the table, and what he does next pretty much sends my head into a spiraling haze. Brian pulls the collar of my shirt aside and spreads the salt on the curve where my neck meets my shoulder, and then places the lemon slice between my teeth. Before I even have the time to process, Brian’s tongue darts out and he licks a line that feels endless, from my shoulder all the way up to my ear. He then downs the second shot and when he leans to take the lemon wedge from between my teeth I can’t help it and I pull it into my mouth, giving him a kiss instead. Inside my mouth I can taste the sourness of the lemon, but all my lips taste is the sweetness of the ice cream we had earlier this evening, somehow still on Brian’s lips. He smiles into the kiss and then I pull back, pushing the lemon with my tongue and placing it between my teeth again. Brian takes it with his hand and sucks on it, never breaking eye contact with me, reminding me of all the times he had done that while sucking on something a whole lot different. My breathing gets heavy, and I can’t look away.

“Yep, I’m definitely gay.” Jamie says, and suddenly I become aware of all the people around us and the loud music of the club, and how badly I need a cigarette. We all laugh and the group doesn’t seem to read too much into the interaction that just happened before them. Something’s telling me that Brian had warned them before about how we may get around each other.

“I’m heading out for a smoke.” I tell him, and when I use his thigh to lift myself off the couch he brushes his hand over mine lightly. His touch, like always, raises goosebumps on my skin, and I nearly stumble over as I walk down the stairs, my head incapable of wrapping itself around what just happened. When I reach the ally outside the club I lean my back against the wall and light my cigarette, taking a long drag. I close my eyes and let my mind drift to cooking together with Brian tonight, pinching his side when he kept telling me I was slicing the vegetables wrong, him threatening to crack an egg over my head, me telling him that we’ll be equal then because his head already looks like an egg, how he tried to tell me the buns tasted good when he saw how upset I was over the state they were in, even going as far as eating an entire one. Brian Firkus is one of a kind, and I’m growing more and more unwilling to accept a future in which he isn’t mine. All mine.

“Mind if I bum one?” I hear Jamie’s now familiar voice, and I open my eyes and hand him one over with a smile. He’s sweet, but I hope Brian’s demonstration helped him understand that what he and I have is unbreakable. “So how long have you guys been best friends?”

“Four years.” I answer with a smile, thinking of all the incredible memories we have collected over time.

“Okay, that explains the touching.” He laughs, but my face is straight. “Do you mind if I ask something that’s a bit forward?”

“Not at all, go ahead.”

“Do you think I have a chance with either of you?” Well that answers my question from earlier. He’s into both of us.

“Well, a while back you and I would have probably spent a delightful evening together, but right now there is only one man I’m willing to spend the night with and he’s inside that club getting drunk as we speak.” I answer him, and I have no clue where I mustered the nerve to do so. He’s effectively the first person I have ever told so unequivocally about my feelings for Brian. Now that it’s out there, though, I might as well continue. “And as far as Brian is concerned, you are more than welcome to try, but I will have to kick you in the balls if you do so and I’d really hate to take away your reproductive abilities.” I finish with a smile, still having no idea what came over me.

“You too are more alike than you know.” He tells me with a raised brow, ashes his half-smoked cigarette and goes back inside.

I don’t really know what to make of that, so I just finish my cigarette then head back in as well. As I go to climb the stairs to the VIP deck again I see the couches the group had occupied are now empty, and when I look to my left I see they are all right next to the deck, on the dancefloor, making complete fools of themselves. The biggest fool of all, of course, is none other than my best friend and eternal soulmate, Mr. Brian Firkus. He’s dancing like he has no care in the world, and even though it’s so messy, it’s absolutely stunning, and I hope to see him like that every day. He’s not drunk, but definitely tipsy, and when he laughs with his friends my legs start approaching him before my brain even registers I’m moving. He gives me a gigantic smile when he sees me and holds out his hand for me to grab. He pulls me to the middle of the circle with him and we dance like idiots, twerking and twirling around. His friends even make me do a slow split, and I comply with joy, just so happy to have this group of people so welcoming and kind.

We dance to an incredible remix of nineties and early two thousands music, and Brian and I are living our best life because we have been lip-syncing  to these songs for years now. Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie comes on and in true drag queen fashion Brian and I pull our sexiest moves. Then he goes to stand in front of me and starts slowly swaying his hips from side to side and I lose my mind, my eyes following every move of the miracle that is the way his jeans hug his ass. In the hopes of it appearing as part of our little performance, I put my hands on Brian’s hips and bring them tight to my front, moving in synchrony with his sensual moves. He sends his hands back to cradle my head and I can’t help but raise my eyebrow at Jamie, who’s closely watching everything we do. Brian then surprises me by turning around in my arms and smiling, his cheeks flushed and his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. I smile back and wrap my arms around his waist, never able to not be touching him. Brian then puts his hands on my chest and walks us back a little bit, until my hips hit the deck and I’m stopped. He tilts his head, as if daring me to make a move, but he’s clearly tipsy and I’m not the type of guy who takes advantage of that sort of situation. I would never want Brian to wake up in the morning regretting he had kissed me. So, I take a step closer to him and tilt my head as well, essentially asserting that we’re playing a game of chicken. As I now know very well, Brian loves nothing more than to tease, so he takes a tiny step forward that brings our lips to be only a hair away from touching. I decide with myself that if we’re playing I might as well be playful, so instead of just attaching my lips to Brian’s heavenly ones, I lick his mouth. He scream-laughs at that, and goes to slap me, but I quickly grab his wrist and use it to tug on him, like I wanted to this morning, finally crashing my lips onto his. I was afraid of how much he had drunk, but the kiss seems to sober Brian right up, and as I grab his other wrist as well to bring our chests flush together, he swipes his tongue gently across my lip so I would open them. As soon as I do, Brian’s silky tongue slides into my mouth and expertly roams it, already knowing each of its crooks and crevices. Brian’s kisses should be recognized as a form of art, with the masterful way in which his lips glide slowly over mine and the way he bites on my bottom lip and then sucks on it. This isn’t some rushed kiss at a club, this is a slow and intimate dance between lips and hearts. My arms wrap around his waist again and I bring him impossibly closer, while Brian’s hands slide up to hold my face. The kiss goes on for what feels like hours, a never-ending love story between our mouths, tongues twisting together in a way that speaks words I now think maybe I’m not the only one unable to say. We break apart after what feels like hours, and rest our foreheads together. Then, with an uncanny timing, we both start laughing like maniacs.

I don’t even know why we laugh. Possibly because we’re two grown men making out at a club like a couple of teenagers, maybe because we’re surprised that we had done so in such a public place, and maybe because life is beautiful in the arms of one another and there’s nothing to do but laugh. All I know is that I can make Brian Firkus laugh, all I know is that he’s holding my hands as he does so, all I know is that I’m in love with him.

Still laughing, Brian leads me back to the group, who all seem to be trying to hide their shock and confusion at what had just occurred. Jamie seems to be the most rattled of them all and I smirk a little at him, to let him know Brian may not be mine yet, but he is certainly not his. We continue dancing and joking around for about an hour more, until Brian says he’s tired. We then part from the friends and I tell them again how much I enjoyed myself, because I truly have, and I’m so thankful for the way they treated me. Jamie hugs Brian too long for my liking, and then whispers something in his ear. I shoot him a warning look and when he tries to hug me as well I opt to pretend as if I didn’t notice, and guide a sleepy Brian out of the club with an arm around his waist. On the drive home he falls asleep, but not before taking my hand in his, and I make use of every red light to take a look at his peaceful face. We quietly get into the house, lock the door behind us and climb the stairs to Brian’s old room. Not even bothering to turn on the lights, we strip to our underwear and climb into bed, our bodies easily coming together, with me lying on my back and Brian almost on top of me, finding every way in which we can be joint while still in a position that allows sleep.

“Tonight was so fun, I’m so happy you came.” Brian says with a sleepy voice, taking my hand that’s not wrapped around him in his and kissing it. I never know what to make of these little gestures of his, but they’re becoming more and more frequent, and each time I have to teach my heart how to beat all over again.

“Me too babe, thanks for inviting me.” I say and kiss the top of his head. After about a minute he speaks up again, and what he says sends my heart and head racing.

“I wasn’t drunk.”

“I know.” I reply with a whisper, because I can’t seem to be able to find my voice. Maybe I’m not the only coward in this bed. Maybe the two of us are just desperately grasping at straws to try and express how we feel, without risking a heartbreak that is bound to be more devastating than any other. But what if our hearts won’t be broken? What if all these years we have been learning how to be each other’s glue, mending and piecing together everything that’s been ripped and torn apart by life itself? What if one day I don’t let fear hold me back anymore, and find that the angel in my arms loves me back?

When I eventually fall asleep, all these questions still in my mind, I dream of holding hands on the beach, feeding each other oranges and licking sticky fingers, watching the sunset disappear into the ocean, embracing on a moonlit balcony, and making uninhibited love without red silk, only red beating hearts.


	10. Break the rules

I think people on this planet who have not woken up in the arms of Brian Frikus don’t know true happiness. During the night we must have shifted, and I wake up to the feeling on Brian’s warm chest at my back, his bare leg between mine, and his fingers drawing lazy patterns on my stomach. I wonder how long he’s been awake, and why the hell they still didn’t come up with a scientific possibility to freeze time so I could stay in this moment forever.

After making sure I memorize the feeling as best as I can, I turn around in Brian’s arms and look at his beautiful face. He smiles at me tiredly, and I’m an idiot so I just make weird faces at him. He shoves my face then, laughing, and I hope I could wake up every morning to that sound.

“Come on dumbass, let’s shower and go get lunch, it’s already twelve.” Brian says, getting out of bed. My eyes follow shamelessly the sway of his hips in the tight black boxers.

“You could have woken me up.” I say, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

Instead of answering, Brian just shrugs, and I think I detect a bit of blush rising on his cheeks. He leaves me then to go shower, and my mind travels back to the events of last night. The whole evening was just so incredible, and the love I received from the people Brian loves so much was just insanely reassuring. And then there was that kiss. That long, full blown make out session under the eyes of god and 350 clubbers. I remember everything about it vividly, the way his lips and tongue responded to each of my silent pleas for more, the way he bit my lip but immediately went to soothe the flesh by sucking on it gently, and the way his thumbs brushed over my cheekbones as he cradled my face so tenderly. Unfortunately, I also remember vividly the mixed taste of whiskey and tequila on his tongue, and the way my body immediately responded to the sensation of being in the proximity of alcohol. Today is going to be a difficult day.

After we both shower and get dressed we head out and drive to Brian’s favorite diner in Milwaukee. It’s a beautifully decorated diner, complete with turquoise vinyl booths and sixty-year-old waitresses in short dresses. We talk about our childhoods, about what we thought our lives would look like, and laugh at the innocence we have by now completely lost. After lunch we go for a stroll in the city, stopping every now and then at a store to buy either boy or girl clothes, and even some funky jewelry. The day is straight out of a fantasy, and the sun is beaming stunningly on Brian’s face, and whenever our hands brush together as we walk my whole existence shivers. However, there’s nothing I can do to stop myself from remembering the taste of alcohol on my tongue, and whenever I take a sip from my water bottle it feels like I’m downing a shot of vodka.

When we go back to Brian’s house for dinner, his family is already waiting for us and the scents are wonderful. After changing into more comfortable clothes and setting down our shopping, Brian and I go downstairs to join them. I have been quiet the whole ride home, and during the meal I don’t speak either, and I know sooner or later Brian will pick up on that. Once we finish the food, Brian reaches for my hand and intertwines our fingers, as we listen to his sisters tell stories from school and college. Brian is concentrated on them, replying and engaging in the conversation, but every now and then he brings our joint hands to his lips and kisses mine, as if trying to tell me that as soon as we can we’ll go upstairs and discuss what’s bothering me. I love him for being so in tune with me and my feelings, even when I did nothing to express them. After about thirty more minutes, he kisses my forehead and tells me to wait for him in his room while he helps his mom wash the dishes. I kiss his cheek and comply, and from the corner of my eyes I see his sisters whispering and looking at us. I don’t mind it, I just hope that my silence tonight didn’t affect how they feel about me, because I want to be a part of their family so bad. However, that particular fear is erased when before going into Brian’s room, his sisters all hug me and part from me, since we won’t be seeing each other when Brian and I leave in the morning.

“You’re perfect together, stop being so scared.” Brian’s oldest sister whispers in my ear before breaking our embrace, and I nod, promising both to her and myself to be better than I have been so far. She must have seen the way I look at Brian, the way my eyes light up whenever the smallest of smiles appears on his face, and the way I always seek to be touching him in one way or another. Her words are like daggers, but they’re much needed, and I just hope I’d be able to stay true to my silent agreement.

I sit on the bed and scroll through my phone, when I see that the Facebook page of the club uploaded an album from last night’s event. I scroll through the pictures, until I finally reach one where Brian and I are in. In the picture, we’re dancing intimately, me behind Brian with my hands on his hips, only now I can get a glimpse at his face. His cheeks look slightly flushed and so does his neck and the little bit of chest exposed by his button-down shirt, his eyes are closed, his hands are on my head, and he’s biting his bottom lip. He looks like the depiction of sex. This picture must have been taken moments before he spun around to face me, because his lip remained pulled between his teeth when he did so. I save the picture and continue to the next one, which confirms my suspicion. The next picture is of us playing our little game of chicken, and there’s mischief in both our eyes as we stare at one another. And then the next picture comes along and I audibly gasp. It’s a picture of us, right after we kiss, and my first thought is that I’m grateful the photographer hadn’t captured the kiss itself, because I feel that we’re in too fragile of a place right now to have that picture becoming viral thrown in the mix. My second thought is how happy we look, smiling at one another with our foreheads together. We look like the mirror image of one another, and my heart is telling me again that Brian and I may be sharing the same boat, walking on similar eggshells.

When Brian enters the room I set my phone aside, and notice he has locked the door, which he hasn’t done on previous nights. He comes to sit cross legged in front of me on the bed and takes my hands in his before speaking.

“Why have you been so quiet?” He asks me with worry in his eyes. I love him.

“I… I’ve just been having a really hard day.” I answer, because although I want to tell him the truth, I’m so scared Brian would blame himself. I never want him to regret kissing me.

“Yeah, I got that much, but why?”

“It’s just that… Umm…” I take a deep breath, and decide to tell him, because I need his help, and I owe it to myself and him to be completely honest. “When we kissed last night I tasted the alcohol and… Yeah.” His eyes widen, and I know what’s running through his mind.

“Shit, Brian, I’m so fucking sorry.” He says, his eyes falling to our joint hands as he shakes his head. This is exactly what I didn’t want. I release one of his hands and put mine on his cheek, forcing him to meet my eyes.

“Don’t be sorry, I don’t regret it for a second, just… Help me.” I finish with a whisper, because I hate how weak I am. I hate that I can’t kiss the man I love after he’s had a couple of drinks without needing to drown myself in a tub of rum.

Brian nods then, and gets off the bed, walking over to his suitcase. I watch him, not knowing what he’s looking for, when suddenly I see a familiar red colored silk fabric. The fact Brian has brought it with us just tells me yet again that I’m always on his mind, and that he always cares for me, and that I’m a cowardly bastard for not showing him the same type of devotion. I try to, with everything I do. I try to tell him with every squeeze of his hand, with every touch of my lips on his, with every glance, and between every line that I speak. But it’s not enough, and I need to start manning up pretty damn quick.

Brian comes back to the bed and kneels in front of me, so I mimic his position. He lifts up my shirt and then his own, and tosses them both aside, letting his hands slowly roam down my chest until they meet mine. Since he pulled out only one rope, I know it means I need to bring my hands together. Usually Brian is very silent and contained during this part, getting the two of us into the mind set of what’s about to occur, to the shift in power, but today he doesn’t stare down as he ties my hands together, and instead just kisses my forehead repeatedly until he’s made sure my wrists are securely constrained. He blames himself, I know he does, but now that we’ve begun, I’m not allowed to speak. The only words or noises I can make have to be related to how he makes my body feel.

Brian takes my chin in his hand and looks at me for a few long seconds before closing his eyes and bringing our lips together. He kisses me softly, slowly, making every moment count. He kisses me as if he’s pleading for my forgiveness. He kisses me in a way that lets me know he knows exactly how I love to be kissed, with tongues that glide leisurely against each other and lips that are gentle yet determined, and then firm but still so affectionate. When he eventually releases my lips he doesn’t wait even a second, and immediately attaches his to that spot below my ear he’s grown so fond of. He sucks on it, making my whole body tingle, and I know he won’t stop until a small mark is formed. Brian never leaves me unmarked, but always makes sure to do so in places that are visible only to me, or only to someone who knows where to look. I always wake up with purple marks either on my shoulder, above my hipbone, on my inner thigh, and one time even on my left butt cheek. I wish he could just mark me in the middle of my neck, and spell his name with his teeth, finally declaring what the world already undoubtedly knows – that I’m his.   

When he’s satisfied with his creation, he lets the skin go and continues to spread wet kisses down the line of my neck, each one lasting longer than the last. He brushes his thumbs ever so slightly over my nipples as he moves to nibble on my shoulder and I let out a small moan, because it’s impossible not to. Brian then licks a long line from my shoulder to my ear, just like he did last night, only this time there’s no salt in the way, only warm tongue and skin that’s begging for his touch. He then bites on my earlobe, making me almost miss what he whispers.

“Turn around.”

I do as he says, and let him gently push me so I’d be lying on my stomach, my tied hands beneath my chest. I can hear the bed creak behind me and the sound of something hitting the floor, so I can assume he took off his pajama pants. Then Brian is on top of me, his chest against my back like it was this morning, but this feels entirely different. He kisses the back of my head and stays that way for several seconds, enveloping me in a dizzyingly wonderful way. When he moves I feel exposed again, but he makes sure to cover me with as much of his skin as possible while slowly spreading randomly placed kisses along the line of my shoulders and down my back. Brian always makes sure to kiss as much of me as he can, and with each of his kisses I fall even more deeply in love. When he reaches the small of my back with his kisses I shiver, remembering the way he placed a guiding hand there last night as we walked into the club. I then feel him tugging on my pants and I lift my hips a little so he could take them off together with my underwear. The cool sheets feel so good against my hard dick that without noticing I start grinding against them, but Brian quickly stops me with his hands on my hips. He calls the shots. He lets his hands roam slowly down the length of my legs, and then back up again, stopping to grab my ass and squeeze it.

“Bend your knees baby.” Brian says quietly, and I do just that, leaning on my elbows.

He starts by placing kisses all over my rear side, and then uses his hands to spread me apart. Then Brian’s warm tongue is on me, and as soon as I feel it I groan, because it feels almost illegally good. He licks me like that over and over, knowing how wild that drives me. When he quickens the pace of his tongue and thrusts it in and out of me I call out his name, or more correctly breath it out. I can’t believe how well he knows my body, and how dedicated he is to pleasuring me in every way possible. He alternates between licking and thrusting and simply kissing, and the combination alone could make me cum if he does it long enough, especially considering the way he moans every now and then, as if this is as pleasurable to him as it is for me. With a final long lick and a squeeze of my cheeks Brian leaves me, and I may or may not contemplate crying like a baby.

I hear a lube bottle opening then, and wonder when he had gotten it, but the question quickly leaves my mind as I feel a finger rubbing around my entrance and then slowly sliding inside. It feels fucking incredible, but all of a sudden the realization that I’m going to be facing away from Brian the whole time dawns on me, and it’s just unacceptable.

“Let me see you.” I say quietly, struggling to get the words out while Brian is working his magic on me. I know I’m not allowed to do that, to make requests or anything of the sort, that this is about me learning how to let go, but I can’t possibly go another second without looking at his gorgeous brown eyes. His finger leaves me, and Brian wraps his arms around me, lifting me gently to stand on my knees. I turn my head so I could look at him, and I see that he’s contemplating what I had asked. I decide to try the one method that has consistently proven itself in the past, and I lean to capture his lips with mine, begging him with my kiss to allow me this one thing I want so badly. Brian kisses me back hungrily, his lips almost punishing me for daring to ask, but his hands that are hugging me as tightly to him as possible tell a different story.

“Okay.” He says once he breaks the kiss, and while I turn around and move to lie on my back he uses the opportunity to discard of his underwear and reveal to me the finest work of art on this earth. He moves to lie on top of me and our members brush against each other, sending jolts of electricity up my spine. Brian then caresses my cheek with the back of his hand, looking into my eyes with something I cannot help but classify as adoration. I hope he sees the same feeling in mine. “Yeah, this much better.” He says as if to himself, and then takes my breath away with another wild kiss.

Brian loves to torture me, and he does just that, biting my lip while he brings two fingers inside me at once. It’s a stretch, but an incredibly welcome one, and when he starts moving his fingers in me I whimper into his mouth. Brian smiles against my lips, happy with the noises I make, and I can feel him twitch against my leg. My best friend has an ability to be impossibly in control of himself, once even fingering me for twenty whole minutes, watching me thrash below him with a shit eating grin. I wish one day he’ll allow me to show the same amount of absolute commitment to his own pleasure, that one day he’ll allow me to worship every inch of his body. When Brian curls his fingers inside me and takes my nipple in his mouth I speak before even realizing the words have left my mouth.

“I need you inside me.”

Brian’s fingers and mouth instantly leave me and I shudder, wishing I could beat myself on the head. He looks at me angrily, letting me know I crossed the line, and moves his hand to cover my mouth. Fuck. With his other hand he spreads lube on his masterpiece of a cock, and strokes it while looking at me directly. I can feel pre-cum leaking onto my stomach at the mere sight, because in all honesty it’s one of the most erotic things I have ever seen. However, I meant what I said, I desperately need him inside me. I bite on the inside of one of his fingers, and luckily my angel decides to spare my life, laughing a little as he positions himself at my entrance and grabs one of my thighs for leverage. I need him inside me more than I need anything in this world right now.

Then Brian slides in far too quickly and pain shoots through my body, making me yelp against his hand and arch my neck.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry baby, did I hurt you?” Brian asks me, his eyes frantically roaming my face. I shake my head, because I know it was an accident, but the tear that involuntarily slips from my eye betrays me. Brian then removes his hand from my mouth and asks me again. “Did I hurt you? Tell me the truth.” I nod, not really capable to speak yet, because my insides are burning a little. “I’m so sorry B.” Brian says and starts peppering kisses on my mouth and all over my face again and again, bringing both his hands to my face and holding it tenderly. I laugh, because I’m in love with him, and he’s crazy, and I’m in love with him, and his kisses tickle, and I’m in love with him. “Are you okay to go?” He asks me after some more kisses, smiling at me because he had referenced my favorite fucking movie. I gasp and smile widely at him.

“I’m okay to go.” I answer, leaning up to kiss him again, and finally Brian starts moving inside me.

I think there’s a very significant chance that Brian’s body and mine were carved specifically to fit one another, because there is no other explanation as to why it feels so incredibly divine when he glides back and forth in me. Brian starts sliding in and almost out of me at a slow pace, not wanting to hurt me, and brings his hands to hold down my forearms on the bed. He could probably see I was tempted to wrap my tied hands around his neck to hold him to me. I’m starting to think that one of Brian’s favorite passtimes is staring down at me with a smirk as he works his way inside me. It’s without question one of the most beautiful sights, and I wish I could maintain eye contact longer, but when he hits just the right spot inside me my eyes roll back into my head and I moan.

Brian loves it when I’m vocal, it’s practically the only power I have in the situation we’re in, so when he bends his head near mine I bite on his earlobe and groan directly into his ear, letting him know just how good his long shaft feels inside me. I can feel him smile against my cheek and he quickens his pace a little, rewarding me for giving up control. He’s the only person in the world that could ever bring me to do that, and I’m unbelievably grateful for the gift that he is in my life.

Brian then goes to kneel, bringing both my legs to wrap around his waist, and taking my insanely hard cock in his hand. I suck in air through closed teeth, overwhelmed with the feelings, the man I love pumping me to the pace at which his hips meet mine. His fingers are grasping my thigh so tightly I know it would show bruises tomorrow, and he’s moaning every time he bottoms out, and my eyes shut tightly because this is so much more than sex, this is the manifestation of love, and I have no idea how to take it all in.

Brian then moves back so only his tip is inside me and stops all movement, making my eyes fly open to see what the hell he thinks he’s doing, I’m so close. The second we lock eyes, Brian’s become glazed over, and he slams into me with a guttural grunt, making my whole back arch off the bed as I let out a similar sound.

“That’s right baby, just like that.” Brian says, and starts pounding into me mercilessly, stroking my member with a frenzy. Unintelligible sounds are leaving both mine and Brian’s mouths as he moves with determination, and I unwrap my legs from around him, planting my feet on the matters so I could meet his hips. To hell with the rules.

Brian doesn’t seem to mind, quite the contrary, his fingernails digging into my thigh and his head thrown back while he only moves impossibly faster. Then he calls out my name, and my world disintegrates around me, and I cum so hard I think I might pass out, spilling into his hand and onto my stomach while I groan and shiver. Brian’s head snaps to look at me but I get only a glimpse of him before my eyes are forced shut again by the force of the aftershocks. He then moves both his hands to grasp my hips tightly and slams into me a final three times before cumming as well, filling me up entirely and moaning in a way that is almost musical to me.

After staying like that while he rides out his final waves with tiny movements, Brian collapses on top of me, both of us breathing heavily. When he makes a move to slide out I wrap my legs around him, keeping him in, unable to let him go, and he laughs.

“We’re gonna get stuck together.” He says, leaning on his elbows so he could look at me. What a stunning sight he is freshly fucked.

“Just a little bit more.” I say, and Brian laughs again and shakes his head, leaning down to peck my lips sweetly. His lips are the stuff clouds and rainbows are made of. “I’m okay to go.” I say after he gives me three more kisses.

“Bitch you better not use that against me.” He says warningly, leaving my body with a small whimper.

“I make no such promise!” I call after him when he walks to the bathroom. He returns with a damp towel, and like always cleans me before cleaning himself. “Mother?” I ask, bringing down my now aching arms from above my head so he would untie me.

“Oh please don’t call me mother so soon after my dick’s been inside you.” He tells me while untying the red fabric from around my wrists.

“Would you prefer I call you daddy?” I ask him with a raised brow when he kisses my now free wrists. He always makes sure to do that, and funny enough it’s one of my favorite parts of what we do together. The kiss won’t make the marks disappear faster, but it would replace the feeling of constraint with a feeling of utter openness. Brian then shocks me by lying on top of me again, pinning my hands above my head and bringing his lips a breath away from mine.

“No.” He says against my mouth, smiling and stealing a chaste kiss before rising from the bed, leaving me breathless for the millionth time in our four-year friendship. I gulp and smile to myself, knowing I had deserved that.

Not bothering to put any clothes on, Brian throws the towel in the hamper and shuts off the lights, coming to lie beside me on the bed and covering us with the blanket. As soon as he settles in I wrap myself around him, leg thrown over his and my palm flat against his heart. It’s beating fast, as fast as mine, and I’m becoming increasingly certain that this bed is full of cowards. But we’re cowards who are making progress, and the breaking point is approaching, I can feel it in my old bones.

Brian places his hand on top of mine, brushing his thumb over it, and his other hand gently strokes my hair. We’re in love. One of us just has to be the first to admit it. I kiss his chest, wishing I could be doing the same with the rest of his body. Tomorrow we’ll wake up, get dressed, and fly back to LA and our separate homes, but tonight is ours.

“How did you enjoy your stay in Wisconsin?” Brian asks, breaking the silence, and I smile against his skin.

“Five out of five stars.” I answer, but in reality it’s something like fifty out of five stars.

“You can’t say that! Then what’s left to improve next time?”

“I tie you up.” I say, kissing Brian’s hand.

“Or nobody’s tied.” He says quietly, and I smile again at that particularly wonderful mental image, and we’re in love.  

“That sounds even better.”


	11. Fearless

Four days after our return from Wisconsin Brian and I find ourselves incapable of being apart. We have somehow spent every night together in one of our places, watching movies or playing video games until it became too late to leave. We would then crawl into bed together and embrace in whichever way let us be as humanly close as possible with clothes serving as barriers. We have kissed each other’s foreheads or hands, but never on the lips, and I’m starting to feel deprived. We’re sitting together on my couch, Brian’s back to its arm and my back against his chest, fingers intertwined and arms around me, as we watch a stand-up comedy show. It feels incredibly domestic, and I’m just looking for any excuse to have Brian’s lips on mine again, because it’s the only thing missing from this scene.

Brian’s phone buzzes with a new notification on the table and he reaches for it, bringing his arms around me again. I love the fact Brian never hides anything from me, and how open he is with everything that happens in his life. I only wish he could have been more open about how he feels about me, because I just need one tiny push to finally be able to tell him all that’s in my heart, even the smallest sign would do. He opens the message and I see it’s a number he doesn’t have saved on his phone.

 _Hey Brian, my name’s Derek, I was the photographer at the club this Saturday, Leah gave me your number. I have this picture of you that she told me not to post, but I thought maybe you’d like to have it anyways._  

To the message, Derek attaches a picture of Brian and I, right in the middle of our kiss. It looks like it was taken straight out of the most cliché romantic comedy one can imagine. In the picture you can see how my hands are splayed on Brian’s back while I hold him close to me, fingers slightly curved as my nails dig into the fabric of his shirt, his hands holding my face with a delicacy that even the picture was able to capture, and our lips look like they were made precisely for the sake of kissing each other. That’s also what it feels like whenever we do.

Brian immediately saves the picture to his phone and kisses my head, and I can feel his smile against my skin.

“Send me the picture.” I tell him, bringing his hand that isn’t holding the phone to my lips.

“That was a good night.” Brian says directly in my ear after he sends me the picture and puts his phone back down. As soon as he does so he wraps his arm around me again.

“It was amazing.” I reply, turning my head so I could kiss his cheek. In both of our voices it’s clear that it wasn’t only the night that was incredible, it was the entire time we spent in Wisconsin together, how much closer we have come to facing what we truly feel.

“I hated that Jamie guy though.” Brian says, and I immediately spin around in the couch so I could face him.

“I _hated_ him! You know he tried to hit on both of us?”

“Oh bitch, he told me that as soon as you got up to smoke.” He answers, and I wonder if Brian had gotten the same lines as me.

“Yeah and then he said you and I are more alike than I know, what was that about?”

“Well, what did you tell him?” Brian asks, his voice suddenly lowering, sounding almost insecure. This is my make it or break it. I have chosen flight too many times, it’s time to fight.

“I told him that the only man I’m interested in is inside that club, and that if he tries it with you I would have to severely injure him. What did you tell him?” Brian’s face seems almost unfazed by my answer, but the way he swallows tells me he knows very well how significant this conversation is.

“I told him pretty much the exact same, only with outside the club instead of inside.” Brian says, nodding his head and pursing his lips as if we hadn’t just admitted to be exclusively interested in one another.

“You do know I have to kiss you now, right?” I ask him.

“You better.”

I close the distance between us slowly, straddling Brian’s hips on the couch and putting my hands on his shoulders, never breaking eye contact. The room is silent, and I count to three in my head, knowing there’s no coming back from this. When I reach one, I realize I don’t want there to be a way back, that I don’t ever want to go back to a time when I’m not kissing Brian at any opportunity I can. I can see the fear in his eyes, and hope that he would finally be able to overcome it, that _we_ would be able to overcome it.

When our lips touch for the first time in a few days, all fear is forgotten. This is Brian Firkus, my best friend, my soulmate, the man who knows even the darkest parts of me, and loves me still. This is Brian, my angel, the man I love, and it is finally time to stop being so afraid of that. I kiss him hesitantly at first, giving him one last chance to back away. Instead, as soon as Brian feels the full touch of my lips on his, he wraps his hands around my back and brings me as close as he can, crushing our lips together. We’re in love. When I feel his tongue asking me for entrance, I lose the last bit of inhibition I had, and I tilt my head so I could finally kiss my lover properly. His tongue slips into my mouth confidently, knowing mine blindly, tangling the way our legs do when we crawl under the sheets - effortlessly. I kiss Brian with four years’ worth of love, grasping his shoulders for dear life as I try to prove to him that I’m his. Our lips meet again and again, alternating between sweet pecks and gentle glides, sucking and biting, never able to stop kissing. We make noises that are swallowed by one another, and our lips are swollen and tingling, but  we cannot stop. We kiss for somewhere between twenty minutes and a week, the concept of time slipping out of the window every time Brian hums into the kiss.

When we eventually break apart, breathing heavily, we don’t dare to put too much distance between us, and lean our foreheads together. Brian’s eyes are shut, but mine are wide open, trying to make sure this is real. It seems almost absurd to have this piece of heavenly creation that Brian is in my arms.

“I love you so much. I’m so in love with you.” Brian whispers, breaking the silence, and breaking every wall that has ever existed between us on the way.

“Bitch I waited four years to hear you say that and you won’t even look at me as you do?” I ask him with a smile, my heart possibly about to beat its way out of my chest. He loves me. He’s in love with me. No more fear.

Brian opens his eyes at that, laughing a little and takes my face in his hands, looking me dead in the eye. “I love you Brenda.” He says, brushing his thumbs over my cheekbones, and I can hardly breathe because this is all I ever wanted. He, is all I ever wanted. “You better say it back before I become violent.” He adds warningly, and I take his face in my hands the way he’s holding mine, looking him in the eyes to let him know just how much I mean the words I’m going to say.

“I’ve loved you since the day I met you Tallulah, and I fall more and more in love with you every minute.”

“Even when I drool on your chest when I sleep?” He asks me, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“Mama, especially when you drool on me.” I answer and then kiss him again, because I can, and I want to, and I’ll never stop wanting to.

Brian wraps his arms around me again and then gets off the couch, picking me up with him and I wrap my legs around his hips and my arms around his neck, never breaking our kiss. We’ve never done what we’re about to do in my bedroom, we’ve never done it without red silk, we’ve never done it without fear. I’m ready. When we reach my room Brian lays me down on the bed and comes to rest on top of me, an elbow on each side of my head, looking at me lovingly. He’s an angel.

“Baby?” I say to him, stroking his cheek and staring into his beautiful eyes.

“Yeah?” He replies, leaning down to peck my lips, because he can. And he wants to. And we’re not afraid anymore.

“You didn’t actually think I would let you top right?” I ask with a grin, and flip us over quickly, now mimicking his previous position. Brian laughs, throwing his head back against the pillow, and like every time he laughs, I fall even more in love with him. I use the opportunity to attach my lips to his jaw, kissing along it and then going to his neck, where I spread wet kisses. When I reach the bottom of Brian’s neck I realize I’m finally allowed to treat his body the way I wanted to for so long, so I suck on the skin there, not stopping until I know a mark would form, and I earn a sexy little whimper from Brian when I leave the bruised skin with a small bite.

I rise from him so I could take off my shirt, and Brian follows my lead, sitting with me in his lap. We look at each other for a while, sitting there bare chested and counting all our blessings. Brian and I share a mind, he’s an open book with me, everything I need to know is in his eyes and the way he caresses my sides. When my lips start itching with longing for his, I close my eyes again, and close the distance between us, taking his lips with mine and pushing him lightly to lie again on his back. Breaking the sweet kiss, I go back to where I left off, and start by kissing along his collarbone, and over the birth mark he has that looks awfully like a hickey. I then take one of his nipples in my mouth, sucking on it lightly and softly brushing over his other one with my thumb. Brian lets out a quiet moan, and I smile against his skin at the sound, but it’s not enough. I let my tongue dart out and lick the bud before moving lower down, pressing open mouthed kisses down his chest.

I make quick work of his belt and jeans, impatient to see him again, to take him in my hand and in my mouth, do all the things I couldn’t until now. The belt buckle hits the ground with a sound that is almost obnoxious, and I’m reminded of how Brian has been torturing me for about a month and a half, the span of time between when my own belt would hit the ground and when he would enter me lasting what felt like an eternity. It’s time for sweet revenge. I can see Brian’s bulge straining against the fabric of his boxer briefs and I palm him through it, raising my eyes to look at him as he goes on his elbows. He’s hard, and his eyes darken as I rub my thumb over his tip through the underwear, his breath audibly hitching in his throat.

I then rise from the bed, without warning, and his jaw slacks so I laugh. I open my belt slowly, and then the button of my jeans, and then I unzip them, taking my sweet time to push the pants down to pool at my feet and kicking them away. Brian follows my every move with his eyes, licking his lips when I start touching myself over my underwear, raising my eyebrow at him.

“Don’t.” He says quietly, almost begging, but I just smile at him and continue, and it feels fantastic so I throw my head back and groan.

Suddenly I hear the bed creak, and Brian’s hands are on the elastic of my briefs. I snap my head back and grab his wrists, stopping him in his track as he looks up at me innocently.  

“Really, queen?” I ask him, and he blushes, and I love him.

I release his hands so he could move back again to the position he was in before, and I can’t help but think of how ravishing he looks in the center of my bed. He looks like he belongs here, and he does. I get on the bed again and let my fingers graze over his calves and then his thighs, remembering the stunning tan he had gotten when we were together in Palm Springs, lying lazily on a yellow lounge chair as the sun lit up his form. I then lean down and lock eyes with Brian, taking the elastic of his underwear between my teeth.

“That’s my move, bitch!” Brian yells with an incredulous stare, and I laugh, because I had no doubt that would be his response. We know each other better than anyone else.

“Well I guess you can say we have… The same moves.” I answer and wink at him theatrically.

“I’m leaving.” Brian says, sitting up in the bed. But I’m never letting him go again, so I tug on his legs so he’d lie back down and quickly pull down his boxers as well, his hard cock springing up against his stomach.

“You sure about that?” I ask him with a grin.

“I guess I could stay a while longer.” He answers, smiling back at me. My man is stunning, and finally mine.

I kiss up his leg slowly, my hands massaging his thighs. I have dreamt of having them wrapped around me on so many lonely nights, and even feeling them bare under my palms feels like a dream in itself. When I reach the top of his inner thigh I do what Brian has torturously done to me so many times, and suck on the soft skin there, earning a hiss from Brian as I bite on it lightly. After I can see a purple bruise slowly starting to form I let myself move to his other thigh, kissing and nibbling from the knee upwards. Brian’s hands are fisting the sheets, and this is the first time I see him truly struggling to control himself, so I decide to be a little kinder. I let my hands slide higher, to his hips, and finally kiss his shaft. I start from the bottom, and work my way up, letting my lips linger on the warm pulsing skin. When I reach the top I take him in my hand so I could position him, making sure Brian is looking directly at me while I kiss the head of his member. His eyes flutter, but he doesn’t close them, and I reward him by sucking on the tip and then letting my tongue circle around it, taking with it the few drops that leak. My mouth waters at the taste of him, and I can’t wait any longer so I take as much of him as I can into my mouths. Brian's famously large cock fills up my mouth and I don’t stop inching down until it hits the back of my throat. As I start working my way slowly up and down my eyes close, because Brian feels so good in my mouth, and he brings one hand to my head, lovingly caressing it as sweet little noises escape his lips. I meet every downward movement of my mouth with an upward one of my hand, and I use my other hand to massage Brian’s balls. My own member is already painfully hard, but I’m unable to stop pleasuring my man after wanting to do so for so long. I moan around him and then let him leave my mouth so I could lick him from base to tip, opening my eyes again so I could look at Brian. The second our heated gazes lock my angel speaks up, and I nearly miss it because my whole body is buzzing with joy.

“Baby let me hold you.” Brian says breathily, reaching out his hands to me.

I crawl up his body and lay kisses as I go, from his belly button, up his chest, right above his heart, along the line of his neck, and finally on his soft lips. I cradle his face in my hands as I kiss him, forcing myself to believe it’s finally real, that the man I have loved for so long loves me in return. I kiss him with all I have in me, my lips gliding against his and then sucking on his bottom lip. Brian reaches down and tugs on my underwear and I help him with my legs to get them off. When our members touch I moan into his mouth, and I start grinding against him without even noticing, because I’ve grown addicted to the feeling of him against me.

“Please get inside me.” Brian breaths against my lips when he finally breaks our kiss for oxygen purposes.

“I love you.” I tell him, because I can, and it’s all that I think of.

“Not the response I was going for, but I’ll take it.” Brian says, smiling at me and squeezing my ass in his hands as I continue to grind on him.

I roll my eyes and laugh, reaching over for the nightstand to get out a bottle of lube. I cover my dick entirely with it as Brian lovingly caresses my thighs, and then I put some more on my fingers and throw the bottle away. I lie back down and lean my weight on one elbow as I circle a finger to wet Brian’s entrance, slowly bringing it inside, and kissing his soft cheek. Even with one finger I can already feel how tight he is, so I move slowly, letting him get accustomed to the feeling before entering him with another finger, which earns me a low groan from him. I smile against his cheek and kiss it again, and then Brian takes my face in his hands, allowing me to see how his eyes have darkened a near black color.

“I love you so much.” He whispers, staring at me in a way that lets me know he can see all the way down to my soul.

“You’re just saying that because I’m fingering you so well.” I answer with a smirk, and to emphasize my point I bring in a third finger and curl them, knowing that I hit the right spot because Brian moans and throws his head back. I take his earlobe with my teeth and tug on it before whispering in his ear. “I love you too baby, so much.”

With that I finally remove my fingers from him and go to position myself at his ready entrance. As I do so I suddenly realize that my hands are free, that I can hold my man as I wish, so I lean on my forearms and pin Brian’s hands above his head, intertwining our fingers. I bend down to kiss him as I start entering him, inch by agonizingly slow inch, our mouths swallowing the noises that escape each of us, and our fingers tightening together. When I bottom out at last I start seeing stars behind my closed eyes, and I think to myself that paradise cannot possibly be better than this.

* * *

**Brian Firkus’ POV**

As if the crazy five past years of my life weren’t enough to prove that dreams do come true, this moment in time is all the proof I need. The man I have loved for longer than I can recall, confessed his love for me earlier tonight, and is now holding my hands and kissing me as we finally make love without any restraints. It’s almost too difficult to believe it’s true, but the weight of Brian on top of me, his warm tongue in my mouth, and his member stretching me oh so wonderfully, are all telling me I better believe it.

Brian stays inside of me for a while once he enters me fully, letting the two of us get accustomed to this new and incredible feeling. I kiss him with all the love and desire I feel for him, letting my tongue battle with his and my lips almost bruise him, I can’t control myself around him for even a second longer. And I don’t need to. When I’m ready for him to move I bite Brian’s lower lip, and he gets the message, slowly sliding almost all the way out of me and then even slower back in. We’re going to savor every moment of this.

Brian feels perfect inside of me, and we find our rhythm easily, because we’re meant for each other and it’s the simplest truth. He strokes in and out of me with quiet grunts, and I graze his warm legs with mine, wanting to touch him in any way possible. My cock is aching to be touched, but I let Brian dictate our pace, since I had been in charge for long enough. Now, I have the divine privilege of knowing fully how Brian makes love, and I’m on cloud fucking nine.

When Brian’s head falls beside mine as he quickens his moves slightly I take advantage of the opportunity and attach my lips to the skin of his neck, sucking on it just the way I like, but this time much lower than my regular spot. This time I suck right at the center of his neck, and I open my mouth wide, letting my tongue press against the taut skin I suck on. He’s mine. My tongue can taste how mine he is as I run it over the purple mark that's slowly forming, my hands can feel how mine he is when Brian squeezes my fingers with his, my ears can tell how mine he is by the way he repeatedly whispers ‘baby’ and ‘oh god’, and my whole existence knows he’s mine by the deliberate way he moves inside me, by the way his hips meet mine and dare the rules of physics to claim they exist.

Thankfully, Brian decides not to torture me to death, and releases one of my hands so he could take hold of my steel hard cock. I moan when he rubs his thumb over its head before starting to pump me to the pace of his now faster motions. I use the hand he let go of to bring his head back to mine, cradling his cheek. Brian looks at me with dark eyes and kisses my palm, breathing through his teeth as he tries to make this last as long as possible. I love him.

I bring his head down so our lips would meet again, because I miss his lips any moment they’re not on mine, and Brian kisses me with so much passion and love it brings a tear to my eye. His hand around me is working magic, stroking me tightly, and when he starts slamming his hips harshly onto mine my whole back arches off the bed, and the tear I held slips. The room starts filling up with cuss words, moans, and I have no clue who’s calling out who’s name.

We’re one.

“I’m gonna cum Brian.” I manage to say, feeling my balls tighten and my body being set on fire.

“Cum for me baby, no holding back.” He says against my lips and then captures them for the thousandth time tonight. I'm his willing captive for life. The feeling of his shaft pounding ruthlessly into me, his hand working with a frenzy around me, and his tongue drawing hearts inside my mouth is all it takes to send me over the edge. I groan so loudly it might as well be considered a scream, and my hand moves from Brian’s face to his shoulder, grasping it and letting my fingers dig into the flesh as wave after wave comes over me. With a final slam of his hips I can feel Brian starting to spill inside me, and his hand that was around me moves to grasp my thigh. He’s moaning into my mouth as he rides it out, and shivers against me, and I’ve never felt so complete in my life.

The world spins around us as we pant, but all we see is each other, and the image is crystal clear.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” Brian whispers against my lips, punctuating each ‘I love you’ with a sweet kiss. I move my hand from his shoulder to the nape of his neck, looking at the angel on top of me.

“How did we get so lucky?” I ask him with a whisper as well, neither of us wanting to break the spell of the moment.

“It’s not luck baby, it’s fate.” Brian answers, and takes my lips again in a breathtaking kiss. My lungs will never get used to his presence.

Later that night, after exchanging an infinity of kisses, our tired bodies finally succumb to sleep, wrapped entirely together. When the sun seeps into the room in the early hours of the morning my eyes flutter open, and I see that every fiber of our beings has come undone and mingled with that of the other. We’re beautiful. Our skin is adorned with marks, it’s impossible to distinguish where my body ends and Brian’s begins, and our hearts are beating in harmony. We’re bound together, not by red silk, but by the loving embrace of destiny.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading the story, I really hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a comment below to let me know what you thought and make sure to check out my other works xx


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